retro...I totally get it. I used to feel that way to the extreme. I'm really not sure the secret to happiness...I think it is different for everyone, but it is possible. Don't give up. Maybe keep a journal of the stuff you'd email T and take it in and discuss what you believe to be the important stuff. That's what I would do early on and it really helped keep the shutting down at bay. Before that I would just freeze and not know what to talk about or remember how I felt.