Sriracha,
I have been there. Sixteen years ago I was repeatedly sexually assaulted. a lot of people knew (to a degree even my parents) but no one did anything to stop it or punish the abuser. He walked away unpunished for his crimes. About 7 years ago, I tried to tell a pdoc about it. She wrote in my diagnosis I clearly was lying and pretending to a victim. I had seen her only once. I was gutted by this.
Here's the but.
But I have fought back. Every time I go to therapy with a good counselor and discuss this and ways to get better, I strike a blow that I couldn't when I was assaulted. Every time I let a good friend in and trust them, I hit him. Every time I tell my story and feel less shame and guilt, I help myself get away.
What happened to you in your assault and the revictimization afterwards was beyond terrible. Trust was broken on so many levels. It will take time. Give yourself that time to hate, grieve, and eventually heal.
You won't be the same person as before. I'm not. But your life is not ruined. I promise it's not. Don't give that abuser that power to destroy your life. I am assuming you are young. There is so much of your life ahead you, so many experiences you will have, loving people you will meet, and strength you will find in yourself. Who knows the amazing things you will do and life you will live?
When I was 19, I was in a psych unit due to depression and suicidal ideation. I thought my life was ruined and over. By 20, I was standing in the Coliseum in Rome, Italy. I am history nerd and had no idea at 19, I would ever have this opportunity at 20.
Please get therapeutic help. Don't stop seeking it until you get it. Not every mental health and rape crisis professional is heartless. You might see about free support groups in your community. Keep going. You are not alone.
DW