sometimes it feel like im just really high or something if that makes sense?
even when im completely sober

the only thing that confuses me about this forgetfulness is that its constant...
it seems like the dissociative type is different than constant..?

i just feel like im stuck in a state of mind that is resorting to drastic methods to keep me from severe distress...?

i told my last pdoc about it briefly but he was a jerk and didnt listen to anything i said ever anyway... he said that marijuana causes people to forget stuff, and i just closed the case with him because im not a moron and know that you might forget stuff when smoking
the fact is though that its worse when im sober, and when i get high or buzzed i feel more normal and can remember things better... not that i remember everything but i remember a little better... or maybe because im high it doesnt bother me as much ?

i dunno, its just confusing and im not really entirely sure how to talk about it because i just keep hitting like mental blocks that stop me mid-sentence in what im trying to say..

i dont like complaining or drawing attention to myself so i always hide all of my symptoms as much as i can.. maybe doing that for so long has caused my brain to do these things..?
i feel so strange, its like being high i think... dont really know how to explain it other than that... its not really euphoric type of high though so dont get me wrong...

i dunno, it sounds ridiculous even to me...

i just wish i knew what was happening...

reading about the dissociative amnesia it seems that people will experience retrograde amnesia and anterograde amnesia.. but still have the ability to make new memories..? and have memories before the incident that brought on the episode..?

i just feel like a blank slate, i try so hard to put events in place but i just have a handful of pictures that have no time relation to them besides "i know they happened in the past"

but i still retain like... some learned knowledge (although sometimes i am unable to recall it and end up recalling it later), communication, how to move my body...

so i dont really think its dementia or alzheimers...
dont think its a tumor because my vision is fairly the same even though i am nearsighted and need a weakish glasses to see at a distance... which i hardly ever wear...
i dont have many migraines or headaches...

im just confused and cant remember things... my personal identity is still fairly intact i think... i mean i feel like im not sure about alot of things but i think i feel like the same person atleast... just that i forgot alot of stuff...

i dunno if its mild cognitive impairment or not either...
but it scares me because my mind is the most important part of me... knowledge is why i stay alive because im completely obsessed with learning everything i can...
having memory problem really hurts that endeavor..

im just hoping they hurry and accept my case and give me insurance so i can figure it out before i die of some freak disease...