Hi Justy --

I share so many of your feelings, esp. in the troughs. It doesn't matter that the details of why I beat myself up may be different from yours, the pain and the wanting to go "poof" and not be here is exactly the same.

P who left me last year, his father committed suicide. He found the body. I had another friend whose father committed suicide. The Kids Never Get Over It. P used to say, when I'd talk about wanting to die, that suicide is the Most Selfish Thing That Anyone Can Do. It may bring relief for you, but those we leave behind have the mess to cope with. The unresolved feelings. The Guilt.

Like you, I am stuck here. In this body that Buddhist philosopher Alan Watts used to call the "skin bag" that contains the soul. I have used visualization techniques and bought the materials for my intended method and spent days trying to psyche myself up -- and in the end, only succeeded in making myself feel like a miserable failure in yet one more category of life.

I had a post here a month ago that listed every single way I believed I was a Big Fat Failure. Idexter (Dave) was kind enough and go through every one and dispute it. I was so down that I would have argued against some of his arguments, but on the whole, he demonstrated that there was another way to look at my life so that it didn't add up to FAILURE, useless piece of crap.

You are a member of the Forum community. So many of us understand your pain, and we care very much. If you say that you are useless -- then that means that your children and your husband and all those who love you are morons. That we don't know value when we encounter it.

Thank you for trusting us to share your pain with us, Justy. I would do anything I could to help you . . .

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))