yeah when they had me on all those meds i could understand just being out of it in general.. but im only taking wellbutrin right now and i have all but quit drinking / smoking weed... i might drink 2-4 beers once or twice a month... smoke maybe once a month...
so i just cant see how it maybe being induced by any substances...

i have always been forgetful too so like you said i have just thought it was normal and didnt pay attention to it till last few years where i've actually been trying to be sober and remember my past.. and unable to really remember anything... trying to get better and have a real life... and maybe able to be happy...
i know that alcohol and substance abuse can cause problems but some how i just feel deep inside of me that those things arent the cause of this...

i started self medicating 13 years old.. i was trying to escape alot of things...
but it just seems like maybe i succeeded in escaping my sanity...
only recently have i started realizing and trying to accept that im different from normal people... past few years or whatever...
my time perception is horrible... i'll forget what day it is several times a day even

it just seems like its getting worse ultimately though... since i have been sobering up these past few years...
maybe because i dont have substances to nullify the effects of memories i have...?
or maybe because im sober the memories are trying to surface and my brain is shutting down to prevent retraumatization..?

it just makes me so... grrr ... angry and sad and confused and blablabla its scary because i feel like everyone will just say "its because you drank too much and smoked too much"
like its not serious and its my fault and i deserve it and stuff... but i dont deserve this... i didnt decide to become an alcoholic / substance user because i wanted to get high... i did it because i needed relief and escape to try to preserve my sanity and life...

i hate being confused...

when i was drinking and stuff i just didnt try to think about anything... i was just trying to escape you know.. but i got to the point where depression and anxiety were making it even impossible to do that... so i tried getting help from doctors and getting sober and stuff... but its just been getting worse...
its so hard to explain because i cant really... i dunno its like trying to explain a color to someone color blind... "what color is that one?" Red, "what color is this one?" Blue "but they look the same, are you sure?" of course i am.... "i dont believe you" fine whatever dont believe me i dont care anyway...

how can i explain it to a doctor when i cant even explain it to myself...

i feel more dead than alive

i was extremely depressed at the beginning of this year... high anxiety... and now im just feeling more discconected than anything... i mean i still feel depressed but its like sitting still in the middle of a lake with no wind or paddles... stuck out here with no way to get to shore... blistering in the sun...
accepting my dismal fate...

im sorry im probably not making any sense, i just thought writing a little about it might help some how..

now i just wanna get drunk