I almost managed a year, but here I am again.

I feel like I've just reached this point where I look around me and see everyone I know doing so well and being so happy, and I just feel like I haven't achieved anything. I hate my job, my partner is in debt so i'm covering all the bills which means I never have any money, I have no friends and I'm just constantly thinking that everyone around me hates me and that it's only a matter of time before I lose them just like I seem to lose everyone eventually.

My life has become this horrible routine of floating by... wake up, work, come home, spend a few hours own waiting for my partner to come home whilst I'm totally consumed by my depression (they are the hardest hours of the day), then plaster a smile on my face when he comes home. I only have one day off a week where I never want to do anything but hide in bed - it's like my whole life is passing me by and going to waste but I just can't bring myself to care enough. I have to put on my smile and hide it though because since my stay in the psych ward a couple of years ago he always over reacts and freaks out even if I say I feel a little down.

I feel like no matter how far I think I have come, I can never get away from this stupid depression. Seven years, it's like a prison sentence but I don't know what I ever did wrong to deserve it.

I feel like I'm not really sure what to do, I can feel myself getting worse but I want things to just be normal, it's nearly been a year of normality I thought I was finally moving on. We are supposed to be getting married and trying for a baby, I don't want to do any of that when I feel like this it's supposed to be a happy time.

Thank you for reading if you managed to get this far, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself, I know I have so much to be grateful for but that only makes me feel more guilty as if I have nothing to be depressed about.