My bad relational habits are really coming to a head, lately.

Before anyone asks, yes, I have been diagnosed with BPD in the past. Within the last few years, my symptoms have been relatively mild, to the point that I wasn't meeting criteria for diagnosis and was considered to have "traits of BPD." I felt that I was moving forward, learning new coping mechanisms, moving on from the years of depression I'd once been in, and learning to really love and enjoy life.

I have come to believe that maybe this was because I was interacting with life in a more shallow manner and not really going very deep with anything. If interactions with other people hurt, I just avoided them and I didn't realize that this wasn't really coping. I didn't realize that, when coworkers upset me and I chose to just mainly keep my mouth shut at work, it gave me an air of coldness and defensiveness, that I am perceived to have an even bigger wall than I used to. Nope, in my mind everything in life was smooth sailing and I even decided after 7 years it was okay to date. And this is where, as some who have read my posts know, things really became crystal clear that I'm not actually as okay as I think I am.

I'd met a guy named JD (I've mentioned him, may have changed his name) on Flickr 10 years ago. We have been acquaintances since then, chatted briefly in 2012, but while he was coming to my state and really wanted to meet me, I was going through some intense stuff after meeting my father and not interested in pursuing anything at that time. We stopped communicating at my request and, though he said "Hello" a few times, hadn't spoken until I reached out about 5 weeks ago. Since then, our communication took off pretty quickly and intensely, which may be a warning for some and looking back I definitely think I rushed (because that's what I do, and it isn't good), but at the same time he said that he'd been interested in getting to know me since we'd talked in 2012, and had thought about contacting me over the years but wasn't sure if I'd be open to it. It's flattering to have someone quietly admire you for that long, especially when you quietly admired them way back in the day as well. And this person is good. I have not one bad thing to say about him. He is kind, patient, and put up with a lot from me--I can be difficult even when the BPD traits aren't on display. He would just chuckle (while still being validating) and promptly calm me right down. Or let me go away and be fussy, but still be there, his same ole quiet polite Southern self when I came back, contrite and apologetic. I really thought I could keep my impulsive rage at bay, because I didn't want to take it out on him--I cared about him and he didn't deserve it. But, lo and behold, that never seems to happen. Because, of course, the more I liked him, the more "safe" he seemed, the scarier things became for me. And so the more I pushed.

Things with work are getting incredibly stressful, and I'm unfortunately not prioritizing self care the way I should be. This came to a head last Wednesday, and of course it boiled over onto him. He surprisingly came back from the onslaught, not unscathed, but he forgave me with some conditions--we needed to have some boundaries, needed to back things down a little so that we both could take care of ourselves properly. Of course, to my binary thinking, this sounded suspiciously like, "I'm pulling away from you." That wasn't it at all, but my brain couldn't think in the gray area that was necessary to repair the mess I was making. Long story short, I was incredibly disrespectful to him last night, even downright mean, even in the face of him trying to cool me down, and he finally had it. He flat out said it isn't going to work and he was sorry. He told me to be well, but to not contact him again. And then he blocked me. Pretty sure it's permanent since, unlike me, he is not at all volatile and means what he says, says what he means. It's a day later, and I'm still blocked. The texts I sent last night apologizing are unanswered. I'm pretty sure my number is blocked too, which is just as well because I feel badly for even texting; he asked me not to message him at all, and I blew right through that. Which is part of the freaking problem--my disrespect of his boundaries. I'm so impulsive when I feel like I'm being abandoned, and then when I feel like I am abandoned? Well I just lose my shyt.

I'm embarrassed. I mean, I'm sad, my heart hurts, I feel sorry that I hurt him (I know he really did like me a lot and that he's probably both angry with me and at least a little sad right now), I feel hopeless because this is a cycle I repeat in varying degrees with everyone not just the opposite sex. I feel quite broken, because I've been working and working in therapy but I just can't seem to be fixed. But most of all, I feel embarrassed. This is not the version of myself I'd wanted to present to him. It's not who I really am, and after so many years of wanting to get to know me, not who I wish he had had the misfortune of getting to know. I really liked JD. He isn't a stranger to MI so I think that's why he put up as long as he did, but he's very stable. He is a really good person--smart, kind, attractive, solid, good head on his shoulders. And I really effed up this time.

For others who have these modes of thinking and behaviors in relationships, what do you and your T focus on? I know there is DBT, but a) my insurance doesn't cover it and b) it is just plain impossible to be able to commit to a regular class with my current irregular job schedule. Otherwise, I probably would strongly consider it (it's expensive but I could swing it). I have the DBT Skills Training Manual, and I'm going to start working on my own.

In the meantime, with JD...do you guys think that it would be a good idea to, given some time and space, write an actual letter to him? Saying what, I don't know yet. Mainly just that I'm sorry I pushed so hard and that things went down the way they did, I guess.