Thanks to all so far! I agree that "normal" is not something easily pinned down. However it is very clear to me that my behavior is abnormal :-D

I have actually finally started counseling. More likely I need a true psychiatrist rather than a councilor, but had to start somewhere. I know its going to be a long road ahead. It took me 51 years to get here, I dont expect to solve it overnight. I feel like Im trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes as Im trying to figure this out.

I know nobody can answer it for me, but I am hoping to at least have clues where to begin looking :-D