well, i started the wellbutrin in january...
i was taking other meds but because of the pdoc not listening i self tapered off them and stopped seeing him because he didnt seem interested in my wellbeing...
i stopped all those meds last year...

all of my problems have been going on atleast since the age of 5... i know i experienced a sepparation from physical reality atleast once that i can remember which was so severe that it burned an image in my mind... its not like a memory of you seeing something but its a memory of seeing myself and all of my surroundings like i was omnipresent... complete surreal feeling... like loss of all control or interpretation of what was coming in... i dont remember what happened after that moment... i always just assumed i went back to playing hide n seek with my cousin/brothers...

so its really just part of who i am i guess... it also seems like everytime something distressing happens i repeat "just forget it""just forget it""just forget it" over and over...
but sometimes something happens to me and i wont remember what happened... like the last time i "woke up" cursing a friend out over something trivial.. i dunno why i did it or what happened to make me do it but i just know after i woke up i felt so enraged i had to practically run away deeply breathing and just grinding my teeth horribly..
i did come back after 10 minutes or so and tried to apologize and say i dont know what happened but clearly no one would understand that...

i have a few memories of things that i would consider mediocre ... like i have this image in my mind of me walking down the long driveway to the fosterhome house... but its not like i remember it as myself its like a memory of watching someone else do that...

most of the things i remember are sucky though... and there is so much that i cant remember

i've just been dealt a difficult hand of cards to play since the beginning i think
i just wish i could explain to people so they wouldn't joke about it... they dont know what its like not to be able to describe themselves...

ill be ok some day, some day