im only 26 years old by the way... but i feel like i have lived several lifetimes in these years...

my memory is just really strange for someone my age i think so it just makes me feel like something has to be going on, it has to be something, this is not normal

i realized a little while ago (literally like a couple hours ago) that i tend to forget peoples names... names of movies and shows, it seems the only thing i can really remember is how to play music and think extremely deep outside of the box philosophically..? i remember theories and stuff too.. but it just seems like i dont have any memories of myself... why does psychology have to be so hard to explain?

i feel like im being ripped apart by my mind... in all directions

i used to read alot but now its really hard to just read a paragraph... i have to keep going back because i forgot what the other part said so its like out of context...
i guess that could just be the adhd though... my mind always jumps all over the place when im trying to focus on something :/
like im reading about something that happened over seas and in the middle of a sentence i start wondering what makes the sun glow, or why we cant see in the dark - nonsense stuff and then realize that i havent been paying attention and am almost through "reading" the page but i dunno what it said... like i continue reading but my mind wanders off somewhere, i dunno how to explain that either...

i feel so complicated, i feel like any doctor in the right mind would be scared to treat me
because of things like false memories... i know for a fact i have done that a few times... remembering something so clearly but everyone tells me i didnt do it and later i see the proof that i really didnt do that or it didnt happen that way or whatever..

after a while it just makes you question everything ya know?
im just getting to the point where i dunno how to handle it anymore... i dont want to become catatonic... dont wanna go to the hospital... i dont wanna scare anyone either... but i am scared... but i am a fighter... i've been through so much i refuse to give up...
not going to let all of the bad things destroy the good things i know i have inside of me somewhere...
after a while it just starts to feel like you arent really alive... it even seems hard to describe myself, my personality or whatever because i dont really have any memories to judge myself by if that makes sense..?

all i know is that i try hard to be a nice guy, gentlemen... i do everything i can to not lie... im respectful... but its like i dont have proof to myself of those things and when i think about it more it feels like i have actually been other people in this life time... i mean i know i open doors for the ladies... i say thank you and sir and m'am...
i dunno, the more i think about it the more confused i get and less sense im making...

like the other night, or week (grr how ever long ago) i was drinking a couple beers with mom and she started talking about relationship stuff and girlfriend stuff because she wants me to get married but i remember my attitude changed and i started talking with more raspy voice which i noticed and it made me feel weird because the way i talk sometimes just doesnt seem like me, i mean i know its me... but its more like a dream where you only have control sometimes even if you try to change things in the dream it happens anyway, does that make any sense?
i dunno if she noticed any changes or not... maybe i will ask her next time i talk to her... but i definitely noticed it... im so weird... my mind is always at conflict with itself, do this, no do that, no this way, no thats stupid, you're stupid, you cant do this! ectectect...
i just hear my inner voice though... unlike what ive seen from others where they have different voices doing those things...
only 2 times i remember i had auditory happenings... 1 time i was laying in bed and i heard a mans voice say something... i cant remember what, i think maybe it was just my name... unless thats a false memory... and the other time i heard a complete orchestra...

never really hallucinated either... although 2 times i saw something... first time i saw like little mouse kangaroo thing hopping cross the floor and into a shoe.. lights were off so it was hard to see but was enough light for me to see stuff and i saw the shadow things... they werent real i dont think because they just looked like moving shadows...
the second one i saw like hundreds of spiders crawlling on my desk with the light on, they were shadow too... but that time i was pretty high... so i dont think im schizophrenic you know...
i just really dunno what to think anymore... feel like i have read everything i can and im just at the end of the road...

maybe im just extremely introverted... or maybe my life has just gotten out of my control and im just really scared about it...

i dunno grrrr
it just feels so bloody weird when i think about it, i hate being confused - especially about this stuff because it makes me feel like an idiot - which is one of the reasons why i dont share anything with anyone because i am terrified of judgement from other people even though i dont really care... i care more about how i would make my family look but whatever... no one likes people to talk bad about them... i guess i do care...

ive read that people describe it as being in a haze or things seeming foggy...
but it just seems like... im just watching a projection...like a virtual reality i guess...

i tend to write too much because i zone out or something.... sorry about that...
thanks for reading...