i've been diagnosed with add since i was in the second grade and had taken medication for it since i was in my early 17's, but switched to pot instead... i'm just now detoxing from that life style almost 2 years later and i'm horribly HORRIBLY confused with my sexuality. during the year that i took an interest in homosexuality i was on a mix of an antihistamine and concerta, which we were later told by a pharmacist that i caused psychotic reactions. i never blacked out or freaked out or had an emotional breakdown, but i can't help but wonder, what if? during the time i was having issues with my dad (who was never home) and i would be watching porn in my room, and he would tell me to stop. when i started discovering i could get stimulation from my penis i was told to stop. also during kindergarden i kissed a girl on the hand and was sent to detention where i had a somewhat traumatic experience (i went on the wrong day and i thought my teacher did it on purpose. i walked around the empty school on the verge of tears for about an hour or two)..... so i was interested in girls very early on in my life.... and i hear that homosexuals are always saying "they knew". i can't help but wonder, being the maleable person i am, having grown up on medications, never being myself, that i could have somehow lost my way. i am attracted to women.

i would describe my attraction to guys as an attraction to meaningless sex. when i contemplate MAKING LOVE i can't see me doing that with a guy, because obviously it hurts. i'd call it an %#@&#! abuse (my dad used to break yard sticks on my ***). although, i've had single experiences with 8 different males, but never kissed a girl. i can't help but wonder if i lost myself to distance myself from my family that i was having trouble trusting, spying on me and such.....

i feel so lost now. i feel broken. my smile isn't as whole as it was when i was a child, before the medications, and i'm a far different person that before i started being attracted to guys. i hold so much back now....