i totally know what you mean

i kind of did the exact same thing to myself when i first started realizing that i needed real help...
and i can be really really mean to myself... but i have gotten a little better about that lately... i mean i still have periods where im completely enraged with myself... but i try to just work my way through it without causnig too much damage to myself..

one of the things i do to try to comfort myself is to minimize it... for example i tell myself that i could have hallucinations... im grateful i dont.. i could have alot of voices.. but i am grateful that i dont...
it doesnt really make the depression feel better but it seems to help a little... i dunno if thats a bad thing to do or not but its something i have always done... undermining things i guess - which probably isnt a good thing because cant get propper treatment if we're always undermining the symptoms right?

i've been really confused lately so im probably not making too much sense

i started looking at myself as the real doctor... i know what im feeling and what im experiencing... so i research whats going on and i try to relay to "A real doctor" one that has degrees and blablabla... im a little paranoid when it comes to doctors... so i feel like i have to rely on myself, i have to trust myself, i have to push myself forward... because these are things the doctor can't do for us no matter how good of a doc he is right...?

it really is not easy, im not trying to belittle it at all... because i struggle all the time with it too, and its easy to say something but really hard to practice it...
but i try, if i dont try then its over, the end...

i dont want to die, but i just want to be happy, content, healthy... dont wana live like this anymore either, i know you probably feel the same...

i know that feeling of nothingness being better, if its what you mean..
sometimes i'll stare blankly at something for a while and realize that im just sitting here... but those moments are nice moments... quiet moments for the most part...
leaving the world and going to my world i guess - i try not to think as much as possible about anything about me, but obsess over knowledge - psychology - science - philosophy... i just try to make my mind tired as much as i can so it wont focus on the negative stuff... but it doesnt work all the time, like right now its really hard for me to read anything, i cant play video games... anything that involves memory or interaction with others it seems... i can still do music though...

maybe you have that one thing that you can do no matter what..?
distraction is powerful... just be prepared for the shocks when you realize you were distracted... because i do that alot distract myself and then ZAP have a rush of the emotions come back because i became aware

i write too much!! sorry, i just have a hard time realizing that i write too much until i already have

just wannted to say i know your frustrated... losing abilities due to these things really is distressing, i know i used to be so smart... i mean i probably still am but its just im handicapped by these things now... everyone used to call me "the genious" and being a little avoidant that always made me feel weird because i just did what i could do... i dont like attention! so i totally understand the loss of abilities... just have to try to tell yourself that its not your fault, it can get better... we just have to keep fiighting for it...

i know thats cliche.... but i feel like its the only option i have, so maybe its the only option you have too..? either fight, or give up..? and i just cant give up because im too stubborn
i might see the world more black and white though so dont take any of my advice to heart, just rambling over here

i wish i knew something to do for you to help make it easier, i dont wanna tell you to do something thats bad or not a good idea... but maybe you can try detaching from these things..? it feels a little like meditation to me although i know its not meditation... im just not completely present with my body i guess, just let everything go...

where there is a will, there is a way... where there is no way, we will make the way...