im little inebriated currently
but i just was wondering is it possible for more than 1 alter to be out?

generally im calm, generous, passive, "fun" on the outside but inside im a mess...
i dont really want to make assumptions here because i like facts rather than assumptions...
but i remember somewhere that said DID is not really like other people inside of you but other parts of you that have been detached..?
is it possible for an "alter" to dominate control..? because i feel like a robot sometimes... the person i am on the outside is really... well id do anything for you if that makes sense... but it seems like im always in conflict inside... it sort of feels like i have stripped everything in my mind, catagorized it, and i dont let any of it out besides the neutral "me"... the passive guy that just wants to survive another day...

i isolate so much i dont know how i react in certain situations anymore...
i just avoid anything that could trigger me... which is pretty much anything...
so i just try to stay by myself in my room most of the time because its easier to survive i guess... when i go around other people it changes though, i act so weird sometimes... talking about things i would never really usually talk about.. saying things in strange ways... i remember this one time i cant remembe rwhat i was saying but i just remember my uncle saying "ive never heard J talk like this before, whats going on?!" and after he said that i realized that i really was acting weird and i dont remember after that..

i hate saying these things because i dont understand what im feeling... and i dont want to make assumptions... and i dont want to offend anyone because i know it can be offensive when someone is trying to say they have something and they dont even know what it is... the symptoms or whatever...

but im just trying to figure some things out... so please dont take me the wrong way... im not a hypochondriac... im just confused ya know...

if i did have DID then i would like to know.. it would explain alot of things but its just really hard for me to think that i have that... because i feel conscious most of the time its just that nothing i say or do is being recorded or something

i feel like i am trapped in a box inside my head... while this body tries to navigate the world... i try to contemplate things and figure out the best ways to do things but then i just dont... i dunno... im just worried... the memory problem... my behavior changing around people... i just thought it was normal but the more i think about it and look at it .. no one i know really has these types of changes, they are fairly consistent...

type of change i mean is just... like the habbits i do, drinking.. smoking... my attitude... demeanor... ME doesn't want to get high or drunk, all i want to do is study and research things because im obsessed with knowledge
but then i end up just wanting the complete opposite, get drunk and forget everything kind of, like im just trying to drown myself out of my mind...
i dunno what it sounds like.. to me it sounds like something everyone does.. i mean i dunno, the people i know seem to be all together though, like they have normal reactions to things, they get happy and sad, they get angry and irritated, but its clearly just them, for me it seems like pieces of me are turned off or on and i react in really radical ways outside of my character, atleast when presented with different triggers i guess... i mean.. this is just my observation, obviously it could be completely wrong and everyone around me could tell me that i seem to be normal.. next time i talk to my mom im going to subtly ask her about it, without letting her know what im talking about because she tends to exaggerate her symptoms and says things like she deals with the stuff im dealing with too, like everytime i talk about my memory with her she says she's having the same problem.. but i know she cant be experiencing the same thing...
and then other people joke about it and pretend like they forget stuff.. in a way that is kind of like making fun of me you know... i guess thats part of the reason i just try to isolate, i dont wanna be around anyone because im just ... i just dont fit in and dont enjoy myself so much around others... it might be different if i knew people like me, but i dont... sometimes i just feel empty... like no one is home... alot of times i feel like im on autopilot.. and pretty much all the time now i feel like this is all just some weird dream or simulation... maybe a punishment for something i did in the real qworld, where ever that is..
im just crazy i guess...

i can talk to myself just fine ya know.. i like talking to myself...
i just wish i could see another person when im talking, i am still human i guess and desire some form of contact..

im getting way off topic

is it normal to feel one way on the outside and a different way on the inside(multiple ways at the same time)?
because if the inside came out i probably would beat everyone up if they irritated me.. or start crying about different things that no one would understand... but on the outside im just always this guy that has been hardened over the years... gentle and passive but with a "short fuse" where i can flip if something triggers me...
or ill just get up and walk away in a heartbeat if confrontation initiates.. i try to stay away from everything anymore...
i dunno, i just dunno... i hate talking about this because what if i do have DID and i just dunno... or what if i don't and im sitting here talking about disociation and stuff in ways that could offend real sufferers...

why cant it be easy to understand oneself..?
well, ive wrote a completely garbled post... gonna finish this wine and try to breathe...
atleast the intoxication is changing the way i feel a little... i feel pretty pathetic... intoxication helps me justify it...