He may actually mean enough, and then again he may relent and talk to me sometime down the road. But what I know for sure, for now, I need to let him be.

After crying myself to sleep and crying intermittently today, I'm alright. I'm actually peaceful. It's the kick in the pants I needed to really start journaling, meditating (practicing mindfulness), using DBT skills in earnest, and actually discussing the use of said skills with my T rather than just complaining in my sessions. It's time to actually work toward a goal. I'll be bringing my journal and my DBT app to my session tomorrow. (And not for JD, for me so that my life doesn't suck all of the time since I'm sad and lonely because I push good people away.)

JD and I had a similar thing to this happen in 2012 where he actually pushed at me and I retreated and blocked him for a little while, we just hadn't gotten nearly as deep as we did this time, not even close. He was going through a lot of junk with his long time friend group and not handling it constructively. He wasn't mean to me, just pushy. He's mellowed out considerably. My friend thinks we just keep missing the mark, timing-wise. Both of us have histories of dysfunctional coping methods, but he's got a significantly stronger history of stability than I do. He's pretty self-aware, whereas I think I'm self-aware, but there comes a point for me where all of that goes out the window and I'm just a ball of dysfunction. I know I sound hard on myself, but I can be pretty hard to deal with when I'm in a reactive state. I'm like a little tornado, and will take down every damn thing in my path.

Long distance things are hard for even the most mentally stable, emotionally intelligent people. For those of us who aren't stellar communicators, who struggle with connection anyway, it isn't ideal. We planned to meet, but we have lives; I have residency, he has a teenage son and booked weekends for at least the next 6 weeks. I have the means to drive down there (he lives 10 hours almost directly south) but I'd need at least a 3 day weekend. We'd discussed meeting in the middle at intervals, and him coming up here in the fall (because it's gorgeous here in the fall). It was doable, but it was going to be hard.

Whatever. I guess if we're meant to connect, we will. And maybe we won't. It sounds like his ex-wife was undiagnosed BPD and he went through it with her, to the point that he says it almost broke him. I'm not interested in hurting him for my own gain, and I need to work on myself. For now, it'll just have to lie.