I find it really hard to go back and look at my posts and see what people's replies are! I've been on PC since about 10pm and just made it here. I decided early on in life it wasn't a good thing to talk to people about how I was feeling and it's hard to get through that. But I'm so glad you're all here and it's OK to talk. I've also been wondering what it's OK to say without being over-triggering or undermining anything I've said to other people about why they shouldn't kill themselves!

I've thought over and over through my life, how hard it is, what am I doing here, the whole existence question of I don't want to exist, neither do I want to die and not exist, therefore I have to exist, but I don't want to exist, but my family couldn't cope if I died, therefore I have to exist etc etc.

Stefano, I agree with you:
"you should do your best to avoid letting these 20 years pass like hell on earth"
"maybe you didn't focus enough on what is really important: what to do NOW"
I don't want to think like that for the next 20 years. I did some DBT during a partial hospitalisation, and I'd like to get in a 16week program and do it properly to see if that helps. It involves changing pdocs to be able to get onto the program which I can imagine happening eventually.

"To really committ suicide you should have endured WAY greater pain than now, do you really want to?"
I can't see anything good in the future, just things like having to look after my parents in their old age - I'll probably do as bad a job as they did with me!

"You sound like somebody who doesn't really want to die but is too confused to understand how to fix your life."
I don't want to die because I can't get my head round it, but as we know life isn't a bundle of laughs, and I don' think I'm going to miss out on much if I leave.
I am very confused about how to fix my life - I have been trying for a long time. It has got better than it was, I don't SI or binge/purge any more, I can bear to be around my dad, I'm more direct with my mum so she doesn't do my head in as much and I don't feel like I have to look after her, my sister is more involved with the family so not everything comes back to me (had to move countries for that to happen!). I can handle being sociable much better than before.
But I don't have intimate relationships and I'm not having kids. I wanted to be able to do that. I feel like a failure in that respect and it's another thing that leaves me feeling like I have no future. It's the only thing I can cry about in therapy. My mum told us never to have kids, and is now complaining about not having grandkids! She'll be OK, my sister will have some.

I guess I don't have the pain giving me the urgency / necessity to kill myself. I did come the closest ever to being able to do it a couple of months ago. I think I just want to be able to talk about it and cry about it to myself. I know that I'm lucky in many aspects of my life, like having a job and bosses where I can miss some time at work and make up for it later, or work odd hours.

I am going to do things to try and make it better. DBT, Jon Kabat Zinn's mindfulness approach. I've just managed to start the process of changing therapists. If I could get some good results at work and feel like a real scientist that would help. It's good that I can work again with the ritalin, and it's probably a good sign that I voluntarily talked to some housemates for the first time in a couple of months yesterday.

Palpitations, I nearly lost everything I wrote.

I'm SO glad that I found PC. My therapist couldn't give me extra time, but it doesn't matter so much now. There are times I would like to climb inside the computer. When I'm not feeling so good at work I can log on.

(((((((finestitcher))))))))
(((((((stefano))))))))
(((((((yoda))))))))
((((((recluse1))))))))
((((((wickedwings)))))))

I know you have your own things you're struggling with and I really appreciate your support.

Debbie