It looks like you might have racing thoughts - of course it is hard to tell from reading! I've read that withdrawal from medicine can make things worse so I'd make sure to follow your doc's recommendations for how to wean off of them. If you've gone off them before and it has lead to you going over the edge then maybe that means you need them. I also want to come off my meds and am constantly questioning whether I have this or not. Sending lots of hugs and support!