My oldest DD has anger issues & defiant disorder. She sees a T but we don't see very much improvement. Some, but like all therapy, it's slow going.
She has these explosive temper tantrums, wild screaming & sometimes breaks things. Yday she had one & broke her bedroom door & part of our backdoor.
When she gets like this we call it the red zone. There's no reasoning w/her, she doesn't hear us. Yday was so bad I took my 2 younger kids out of the house for a walk & let her calm down.
We're working on her anger issues.

My biggest problem is when she gets like this she says, "well I'm just going to kill myself! I'm going to commit suicide."

She's 11yo. She is Not suicidal. But I feel she uses this as a threat to make us cave. Then she rants about how stupid she is & hates herself.
This makes me very angry & yet very sad.

I have my own MH issues & my kids know nothing about them. I've had SI since I was 15yo & still deal w/this issue VERY often myself.

Part of me wants to scream @ her & say she has no idea what she's saying. She's repeating what she might've heard on social media & if she'd like a 3 day stay in an institution I'm sure we can arrange it! But I never say that.
Another part of me wants to break down & hold her & tell her how much she's loved & what a horrible thing it would be to lose her. But I don't say that either.

I walk away. I try not to take either side & stay neutral till the tantrum is over.
She's never been affectionate & to try & kiss or hug her is very hard. She's always been like that. But we love her very much, are very supportive of her & tell her a lot.
But what she says during these rages is very hurtful & cuts me to the quick. It's very hard to be thick skinned & I don't want her to see that it makes me crumble into my own issues.

We've also noticed that this threat of not wanting to live anymore has been heard by my younger children & now they've started to use it.
My youngest who's 6yo just said to me last wk when he was angry "I don't wanto live anymore. I just wanto die!"

I've told her T about this but haven't heard much back from her & my main concern is how do I handle this myself with my own issues. How do I not spiral into an even deeper depression over what my kids say. I know kids sometimes say things they don't mean like I hate you etc but these words really hurt me a lot more than they hurt my husband. He just thinks it's a phase & part of growing up. Doesn't every kid hate their parents at one point?
But I'm a very fragile parent. Not ideal.

Thanks for any help[emoji3]