Hello.
Even if nobody will answer me at this point, I still want to post an update on my situation.
Since my last post I have been doing gradually better. I have begun to cope with the situation and almost started to move on. It's not that my feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness weren't there anymore - but I have accepted them and began to deal with them.

On Friday, my ex has sent me a message that she'd return. As I was very certain about the situation, I have replied with a factual message, stating merely a few organizational issues we had to take care of.
Her reply then sparked everything: She wrote how she missed me, and that the wanted to talk to me. I refused this offer and made up my mind not to show up. But the false hope slowly creeped back in again. I felt helpless, and eagerly awaited her. We started hugging and talking about how badly we both wanted to talk to each other. We reconciled, and made plans to get back together. It all sounded so wonderful. After all this was said, she admitted that she had something going on with her new guy. The nice vibe was gone, and I moved away for a couple of hours to think it over. Long story short: I accepted her cheating on me, and we were officially 'back together'. She said, however, that she was not yet ready for sex. A telltale warning sign I should have seen earlier.

During the night, and in the morning, I got first feelings of doubt. I realized that she didn't even cut off the relationship to her affair - and that her behaviour still suggested that she had no feelings for me anymore. I wanted, SO BADLY, to just get out of there! I packed my stuff and drove off before she woke up.. She saw me leave, but didn't try to stop me. Yet, I was too weak to push through. I returned. And we spent the day as if everything was wonderful. Somehow, we had one last day of relationship. Rationally, I am convinced that this was fake; the illusion of feelings that have long passed (on her side).
Whenever I tried to dig deeper to find out if she truly made up her mind.. she evaded. She did not once tell me for certain that I'm the one she wants to be with. Then again, she's been showing me so many acts of kindness and caring during this time. Can she seriously believe that this would ease my suffering, when in truth that makes is just a hundred times worse?

I have suggested to move out of our shared apartment so that she can make up her mind, and she gladly accepted that. The very last thing she told me was that she 'probably' won't change her mind to be with me.

What the hell can I do? She wants to leave me in a state where she knows I will not cut her off. I however, lack the power to do so. Even if I tried to enforce the breakup, by now she knows that she can just come back to me and I would take it all back. The fact that I am 'submissive' doesn't make it any easier for me to win her back.

She is probably aware how much she is hurting me. But I try to hide my pain as best as I can, to not be seen as weak or needy and ruin any chance of getting back together.
Only now do I realize, that after this second week, we are exactly where we were at week one. I am scared as hell that she doesn't keep her promise: Instead of being alone and taking the time to think everything over, she will just run to her new lover and keep me as backup - as she has done the week before. Why is she doing this to me?
I have loved her every day since we got together, even after our breakup. But very slowly, it feels like this love is turning into hate.. which is something I have very rarely felt in my life. I despise myself for these feelings. **** all of this.