I knew I shouldn't get married before I did & that was 32 years ago. Gut feelings told me that there were problems with his attitudes & values (basically monitary & personality) but I kept telling myself (& my Mother told me) he's young (23) he will grow up....he's just starting life. Well that never happened.

The spending & the lack of motivation to get things done, the lack of being a partner, the arguing about stupid things. His concept of being a partner was to earn the money.....well, I earned just as much, so in my sight, that wasn't being a partner. I needed it equal all the way & he fought me constantly.

I don't think I was ever really happy in the relationship....it seemed like everything about it was a fight to make it right. Then came our unexpected daughter. That is a whole other aspect of the marrige that only made things worse. The timing was bad & I didn't want children in the first place. But I was just as guilty of having our daughter as he was. That was a tough situation because I wasn't willing to give up my future career for having a child, so I forced him to take an equal role in the parenting & caring for her.

The worse part was that when things would get rough & I would want out, then something would be purchased like a new car or a time share condo. I kept letting myself get caught up in having things (when I was a child, money was so tight I had very little) so when I had my career as an aerospace engineer & so did my husband, the together salary looked really good. Looking back, my value system that I knew from when I was a child I let go. His value system was easy to get trapped into because is was a life style of having things.

Then my career fell apart, then I really had no place to go, so I felt even more trapped. I used my career as an escape from the marriage.....70 + hours a week at work.....that was definitely an escape. I went out on medical leave of absense & the anxiety attacks turned into depression which turned into suicide attempts. What a progression of feelings!!!!
I wanted out......he continued to spend as if we both had income, & I didn't care anymore, so I spent even more. We couldn't sell the house because it wasn't worth the amount we purchased it for & I wasn't willing to be the one to get out.....I had put my everything into the house....decorating it & once I couldn't afford the house keeper, I got into taking care of the house & back yard. He kept telling me that if I didn't like it, I could get out. I had no income....there was no where for me to get out to & moving back with Mom wasn't an option. My anger grew more & more & my depression got deeper & deeper. I realized that all the cleaning of the house was useless because all he would do was drop things & never pick anything up or clean up after himself. I quit & retreated into my room. I ended up very ill several times during that period & unfortunately (or fortunately) he was willing to take care of me & when the migraines got so bad, ending up in the ER every few days, he was the one that had to take me because I couldn't drive myself home after a demoral shot.

I finally got the migraines under control & could function on my own & then he was fired from his job & couldn't get another job. He blamed it on the credit record & his age, but he didn't have good references & it was his attitudes that finally caught up with him in his career. He was very depressed & ended up doing even less than the nothing he had done before. I wanted out, but couldn't find anyway to make it happen....even though the house was finally worth something. If we sold it & paid off the debts, we still would come out with nothing......so what can you do with nothing????

Then my Mother was dying of cancer.....I was so stressed by the ID theft & trauma that I lived through with her, that I ended up sick again & in the medical hospital.....just 2 1/2 years ago. The fights kept getting worse between us & after my Mother died, I actually went to a divorce lawyer to talk to him about what I needed to do to get out.

I went through the sale of my Mothers house & decided I should purchase a home with the cash from it so I wouldn't have any house payments. That was when the thought of a farm in Kentucky came into my mind.....a less expensive part of the country....land to have my horses on so I wouldn't have to continue to pay board.....cut my costs as much as possible. He came along to KY with me to look at farms & then I found the perfect place. Two weeks later, I was closing escrow & back in KY by myself, alone for the first time in 32 years. Alone to be able to look objectively at the life I had been living & a chance to look at what I wanted in the future.....a chance to put my thoughts together rationally without all the fighting around me.....quiet, peaceful. A chance to analyze my life, my values, how I wanted to live & what why I wasn't able to live like that when I was around my husband.

Realizing that I was easily brought into his value system...spending money I didn't have because I could make the monthly payments. Why didn't things that needed to be done get done? Why in Ky, I was able to get the work of 3 people done & in CA, I couldn't even get out of bed? I decided then that I didn't want the rut to follow me to KY & that being around him, there was no way the rut would leave. The things I realized were already things I had talked over with him over the 32 years, but I drew the line permanently this time. I am not willing to think that he will change when he grows up anymore....if he hasn't grown up by 55, he never will. He CAN make the changes I require, but the question isWILL he???? I told him it was going to be like a job interview & he was going to have to sell himself if he thought he was going to move to KY with me. I know all about using buzz words to make is sound good, so actions are the most important part of any interview. He continues to fail.

So then his tactic was to tell me how much better off financially I would be with him. I could have the money from his part of the house & now that he is on disability, I could add that to my monthly income & the kicker was that I was told that I could learn to tolerate him the way he is???? We get down to the basis of his living constantly trying to buy his way into everything....& dang...I have been tolerating him the way he is for 32 years & look at where it has gotten me???? I know after being in KY & knowing how happy I am alone without the stress of him around me & the agrivation of his attitudes....how in the world cold I ever let myself be bought off again???? That made me even more angry & determined to hold to my line. I can't be bought off this time....no matter how much better off financially I could be....my sanity is worth more than any money he could provide.

The moving process is difficult because not only doesn't he help me pack so I can move & we can sell the house, I am spending time discussing with him the details of what the problems are that I can't accept. I feel bad walking out without him knowing exactly what I demand at this point. Why I am putting this much energy into it is beyond me, but I guess I want him to know exactly what I am feeling so there is no doubt in his mind as to why I am leaving him.

I know for me, it takes time to put all the pieces together so that the leaving is at just the right time & to the right place. I couldn't force anything to happen & I am not good at making moves without seeing everything fall into place. At this point, it isn't going to be a divorce....just a legal separation (I don't want to have any financial ties to him in the future). I can't justify putting money into the divorce process.....I think the legal separation is just as good.....I have no intentions of ever wanting anyone in my life in the future so a divorce doesn't seem necessary. It has definitely taken a long time for the right time to come along to make this move....but the time is finally right.

Debbie