…couldn’t think of a subject/topic. Could I just talk?

My session with my counselor was lastnight. It wasn’t like it normally is. Instead of my feet and hands tingling, it just felt very dreamy. My journaling had been going really well, on the topic I left with last week. Then my weekend was horrible and the dreamy feeling started Sunday. I’m still in that dreamy place. I really don’t have the desire to try and bring myself back right now.

**** TRIGGER **** It may not be triggering to everyone, but to some it may be. Just wanted to respect that.

My husband and I have been married for 28 years. A couple of years after we were married I realized he had some anxiety issues, some fears and some OCD going on. As he has gotten older, it has intensified. It’s really been hard the past 5 years. We’ve talked about it, and I have encouraged him to please talk to a doctor and see if they could prescribe something that would help him. His answer is that he’s got it under control and he’s had a talk with himself. He’s got it. He self-medicates himself with beer, so I guess that’s how he thinks he’s got it.

He has this Jekle/Hyde switch, that can be triggered, whether he’s drinking or not, but if he is drinking it is volatile. He is triggered very easily by very small things sometimes. He is verbally and mentally abusive, and blows up in rages – doors slamming and threatening to leave. Usually it ends with him going to bed – slamming the door. Next morning – it’s like nothing happened.

When this happens, my zip line takes me away, and I’m left standing alone in numbness wondering what just happened, and why. I feel incredibly stupid and small. When I wake up the next morning, I’ve still got tread marks across my face. Most of the day is spent trying to shake myself into reality.

My heart feels compassion for him, because I really feel like there is something that could help him, if he would just go to the doctor. My heart feels like it’s not his fault, and he deals with whatever that is like I deal with the dissociation I’m wrapping my brain around right now.

It’s taken a lot for me to realize that its abuse. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who basically treated my mom the same way, and I don’t really know what a normal relationship looks like or what normal boundaries in a relationship are. I hope to be brave enough to learn that and put boundaries into practice.

My counselor suggested last night that I consider attending ALANON. I have been to Adult Children of Alcoholics before, many years ago. It felt very strange to me and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Not because of the group, it was something inside of me. I’m really thinking about finding an ALANON group in my area.

There are some concerns that I have, now that I am trying to understand what’s going on with me, and after that scary flashback I had in my counselor’s office.

What if I get triggered there and experience that again, in a group of people that I don’t know?

Do I tell people in the group about the dissociation so they would know?

Would they understand, or look at me like I’ve lost my mind?

Sometimes in session, I realize that I am listening to me talk and I say anything that pops into my head. That’s scary!

Am I being silly about this? I want to do what would help me learn to set boundaries with my husband. I do agree with my counselor that ALANON would be a good place to learn how to do this.

I’m just afraid and right now I’m feeling very small.

Thank you for hearing me!