That makes no bloody sense.

And all I find is that the more I think of myself as nothing, the more I crave to be something.

What I want is how to live with the "reality". I...I can't bear it.

I try, as I'm out today, to look at people and see the disgusting reality, but I either can't envision it clearly enough, or don't care. Speech is beginning to look repulsive though - I remember some short story where aliens described human speech as "flapping their meat at each other", which sounds gross and suddenly is.

I can't even think about my own characters anymore, since they're of human form. It's only been a few damn hours and I can hardly deal with it. I'm a ******* mess.

I found a cool paper suggesting that this whole body disgust thing in humans in general is an outgrowth of a simply mortality fear - we're disgusted mainly by the things that remind us of our animal nature and our mortal limitations. It makes sense - why else would someone long to be an ethereal being or a robot rather than a flesh-and-blood animal, provided they maintained their human thoughts and personality, but terror of death and pain? It's a little out there - another major scientific reason animals have a repulsion to things like excreta is because they usually are contaminated in some way, that's why they need to be removed (again though, think about it. Our bodies are constantly contaminated and producing hazardous waste. Every living thing is a mobile sac of pure toxicity. Shouldn't we want something cleaner?)

Is this my life now? Revulsion at what I should find attractive, disgust at the things I wish would love me, and want to like in return? What I want more than anything is a way to cope: reframing, denial that's not denial, some path to acceptance, something that doesn't require me to stay locked away in my mind from the abominations around me.