well... i have these walls too..
but maybe it can help you to feel a little better to see a different perspective..?
you mention the things you have done... most people consider that we have free will and that we intentionally do everything...
but i have read about something called "free won't" ... its kind of interesting, maybe it can help you feel a little less guilty about things that happened in the past so you can work forwards

here is just one article on it
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-have-or-need