Thank you so much everyone.

I ended up getting overwhelmed with emotion last night after a heated discussion with bf about alcoholism vs mental health. I started bawling and left to come home and call my sponsor. Basically I was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and fear.....fear of dying a terrible alcoholic death. My sponsor pointed out to me that I am nothing like this woman who died. I don't have all the mental health issues she had, which coupled with her alcoholism, led to her death. I realized that was what my boyfriend was trying to point out to me, but didn't put it the way my sponsor did.

I just love my sponsor so much. She reminded me that its ok to have a healthy fear of drinking again, but not to be consumed by it. That gratitude was a wonderful response, gratitude that I'm alive.....

She also pointed out that not everything by boyfriend says is about me. I take things so personally when it comes to him....I'm so good about not taking things personally with other people but when it comes to him, I do. I ended up lashing out at him and running home to call my sponsor, he called his as well.

My sponsor was glad that I'm calling her more though lol. Nothing like a relationship and a sponsee and then a sudden death in the program that make me work it harder and be in contact with her more often.

Amazing all the fears that a death brings up. Amazing that this death made me look at myself and my life with a new pair of glasses. I felt stripped raw, just like I did after my first 4th step, looking at how much I've made it through without drinking, looking at the better person I've become, looking at my life and how much I love it, looking at the friends I have, looking at what I've learned about myself and realizing I still don't know much.....it was just overwhelming with a mixture of fear and gratitude. It made me hang on my seat even harder, feeling absolute fear because I LOVE my sobriety and don't want to loose it!

My sponsor said I'm doing fine. I even had inventories written out through the tears waiting for her to call me back. She told me I'm not in danger of loosing it all. But I never want to get 100% comfortable. Its when I get 100% comfortable, that I fear I'll throw it all away.

So while this death is horrible and sad, I have to look for the gratitude in it. I even shared in the meeting that this woman is still doing the 12th step.....because she's showing us where we could be in a heartbeat. I have no doubt that if I drank again, I'd either die in a car crash, or by my own hand.

And I LOVE my life and I WANT to live!!!!!!!