Well, since her office has my chart, there are hundreds of pages of material to read therein! I just want something short and to the point as to what's going on with me TODAY (so much different than even 6 months ago) so I won't try to give 'examples,' 'self-diagnoses,' etc. I'll be able to get it to her, via USPS, at least a week before she sees me – and I'll be attaching a current med list and a current diagnoses list so I'm hoping that she'll read those lists, at leasts.

It's only since I got out of the nursing home that I've began to understand these odd ways in which some doctors work with non-MD therapists. My therapist knows next to nothing about psych drugs – they're not even in the same office (the group has 5 offices around the city) – so I don't know how they're going to communicate; in place of something like email, they dictate letters to secretaries that are then typed and sent via post – like my dad, in the 1950-1960's. I can only pray that they have some machines more up-to-date than the earliest models of the IBM Selectrics.

When I first started seeing pdocs, you were billed for one hour but actually had 50 minutes with them. You talked to them – it was expected that they would ask questions or respond to your concerns and you would talk. Since I tend to laugh if I even smell a hint of CBT in the air, I'm not much a believer that despression with psychosis can be cured within 6-8 weeks with one hourly session per week, either.

The very first pdoc that I saw after getting out of the nursing home was overwhelmed at the number and severity of my past diagnoses and told me to get my records and we could 'talk' after he had scrutinized them but that he would prescribe X, Y & Z for me to tide me over. 15 minutes and I was out of there. And that's been my experience since that time. You can "talk" to a Ph.D. therapist for an hour, but God help you if you go over 15 minutes with M.D. pdoc.

The more I think of this, the more depressing it sounds; as if it could be. I took 30-50 pages when I went to my therapist Monday. I had highlighted the things that I needed to say because lately I get in there and my memory has been wiped. So I explained the ups and downs and sideways and coming from all directions highs and lows that can change every hour or two from manic to some kind of something that I've never felt and can't describe but with the overwhelming feeling that I'm so close to losing it completely, and he says something such as "well, you know what that is, don't you?" I KNOW WHAT 'THAT' IS??? Well, doc, the LAST time I wen't crazy, yeah, I knew what it was but I'm not really looking for that to happen again, but, no, I don't know what that is." He clues me in – the GAD and the Panic Disorder. So I'm not depressed? Oh, no you're depressed, too. MDD, with all the trimmings.

I have that 'need to know' thing going on. If I'm vomiting blood, I don't think that's a good thing and I see my GI doc who gives me some pills but before I take these pills, I ask for a clue as to what might be going on? "Um, looks like you're vomiting blood."

I agree with you about 30 minutes, 2x in 6 months! It can't be done. It can't. No matter how smart the doc, no matter how intuitive she might be, no matter if she's a pharmacotherapist (I looked it up – pretty much what it sounds like), etc., while your symptoms may be the same that they hear daily, there's no way to diagnose the way in which you may be able to to know why I've a fear of blue pick-up trucks unless you know that my grandfather was killed by the driver of a blue pick-up truck as I watched him cross the street (that's a not-true example; I tend to run on with true examples).

Because of the way that I write now I don't think that I can do bullet points, but I can do as I did Monday and highlight or underline particular phrases or sentences that I feel are important. They're all so different. The therapists and pdocs, I mean. She may have a method of beginning a relationship with a new client that's worked for her in her 30+ years of practice and may not want to hear anything that I have to say. I've had that occur.

Se may just stare at me until I say something. I've had that happen. She may ask if I'm having problems with my 'nerves.' Lord love a duck, I've had that happen (I wanted to respond with "no, it's more like female problems... I've taken opium for it previously and that works well.")

It's getting crazy. I'm getting crazy. I am never the same from one day through the next. Or one week through the next. I went on another spending spree, apparently, Monday night. It's now taking 3-5 days to get through to my therapist. I know that they want me to go into hospital but he KNOWS that's something that I FEAR. That if I can only make it outside when I have a doc appt then I'm certainly not going to call an ambulance when I spend (or before I spend) another $2,000.

I'm bent. I'm losing it. That constant fear. I loved the retort to "I feel like I'm going crazy..." – "but you didn't, did you!" "no, not this time but I have previously and it was preceded by the feeling that I was going to go crazy."

I'm just too, too manic right now. I should really spell check this or something. Nah.

You've made some great points. Thanks.