Wow, this thread was started back in 2014......somehow I missed the information then. I just started hearing about emotional neglect within the last month & it definitely explains EVERYTHING that I experienced for 54 years of my life.

I can relate VixenTalks to your dad having autism. It wasn't until I was trying to figure out why my marriage was so bad & realized that I had been living with someone who had ASD (Asperger's) for 33 years. It felt like emotional abuse until I realized the real cause then I realized that no he couldn't help his behavior & the way he related in the marriage.....then that made me look back farther because I kept saying in my marriage that I didn't want to marry someone like my dad & that was exactly what happened which made me realize that my dad (who died way back in the late 1980's) most likely was ASD also. It so perfectly described his behavior. He was a very nice person....but then so was my husband....but there was no emotional connection & no ability to communicate & the anger that had built up toward my parents growing up just continued on in my marriage.

None of the emotional neglect was their FAULT.....it just was because there was no way to have emotional connection. My first definition of my parents was just that they were totally dysfunctional people I never could relate to. My mother had her own set of issues because of her bad eye sight having eyes that never developed at birth, she always had to wear very thick glasses to be able to see & she had serious self-esteem issues because of it but growing up, one doesn't look at causes, one just looks at the effects & having a mother who stayed at home & never did anything outside the house & parents who never had any friends except for one couple they got together with maybe once a year.....made my life as an only child a very sheltered one that I totally resented. The only place I got any validation was at school so obviously that was where I put ALL my effort even though my parents held no value in education....it made me hold all that much more value in it. But not having parents I could communicate with who I could even connect with because they both seemed like they came from another world....lol...my mom even commented several times on how I was so much different than them that they must have switched babies in the hospital when they brought me home. My mom had no idea how much that made me feel good because I didn't WANT to be anything like them.

Not knowing how to act in social settings, I felt like I was always trying to figure in out in the school setting I was in. I did amazingly well considering as in junior high, I was president of the orchestra & first flute, president of the Ladies club which was the academic girls club, & class representative in my last year....though when I moved to high school & there were 3 other schools that came into that school while my junior high split into 2 other high schools, I ended up feeling rather lost & only had one friend that I really was close with. My ability to connect started getting more difficult though I just kept being involved in the things that interested me that I could get to without anyone being able to drive me until I got my drivers license at 16.

My first major in college was music & then realized that it wouldn't be a career that I could support myself on so I changed to accounting & computer science & then met this guy.....thought getting married might be ok with him...he was nice....but right before the wedding, red flags started flying about his personality. I tried to talk to my mom about it & she just commented that he was the nicest guy & that oh, he would grow up & become responsible when he had to. Totally invalidated my concerns but I also wasn't good at expressing them then as I would have been now......so it was both our faults though if she had been truly supportive, she would have wanted to talk the issues through with me rather than just brushing them off.

I got to do wonderful things during those year, but I remember them for the things I did, not who I did them with.....& our poor daughter definitely has to have issues of her own with Childhood Emotional neglect because I hid out in my computer engineering career though I would always be at all her activities & she did talk to me about problems, some of which I ended up being the one to take the needed action to be there for her. I was NOT good with babies at all & made my husband take care of her for the first few years until I could start relating to her better.

The last 13 years of my marriage after my career ended, were nothing but my depression. Everyone of the mental health professionals blamed it on my overreacting to the loss of my career.....all the suicide attempts were definitely an overreaction....& they weren't a cry for help because I would do it when there was no one around & would have no one around if anything happened.....I wanted OUT. Everyone knew my mom & husband as being nice people....how could they possibly be abusive which was all they looked at & any abuse that did happen was because I was so frustrated I struck out first. There were times when my psychiatrist wouldn't release me to go home after a hospitalization because it was an abusive situation but no one ever looked at the possibility of any neglect or even that my husband had an issue that was really the cause because there were no drugs or alcohol involved.

It's really wonderful how this knowledge has become known how. Even Asperger's wasn't diagnosed in the US until 1994 & that was when my depression hit. They really didn't know much about Asperger's for years after that at least with the mental health professionals I was going to & emotional neglect is a new definition & understanding also.

The good thing is that it's nice to have a definition & understanding of what I went through for 54 years of my life. My psychologist calls it integration....putting the past with the present understanding & also integrating my current life together. It's really awesome because when I left & moved across the country to a place I didn't know anyone, I was able to start a new life & I am surrounded by the most wonderful & awesome people now. They are the most wonderful friends who are everything that I didn't have for 54 years. So many times I do fear that I will blow it or not express myself in a way so they know just how much I do appreciate them or inadvertently not do something that would be normal for others to know to do. I am so new at this connecting to people thing, it's a challenge, but a wonderful challenge, something I never imagined would ever be a part of my life. Nine years of growing mostly over the last 6 but it just keeps feeling better & better & more comfortable & definitely full of amazing friendships that I truly connect with....scary feeling at times but totally amazing & wonderful.