Dear private therapist,

I'm so sorry I made you cry again, it made me feel terrible. It's always so unexpected when things about my life make other people upset and sad, it really hits me, because I'm so used to these things. I'm used to my father's criticism, and his insensitive statements. Not only have I heard them a hundred times before, but I have felt them in the way he behaves towards me. I guess I am numb to them, in a way. I've had to be, or I wouldn't have survived it. But I am wondering if I need to start recognising how hurtful the things he says actually are, and respond accordingly, rather than responding in my usual sarcastic manner. Sarcasm is now my default response to hurtful things. So when something my dad said to me makes you cry, I am reminded of just how much I have shut down emotionally.

I don't think this defence mechanism is useful for me anymore. I basically just accept abuse like it's normal, and I internalise it and use it to abuse myself. How do I stop doing that? How can I change? How can I feel like normal people?