No.

I needed something but never got it. A security, I can't provide to myself, I can't afford a therapist yet. Besides where I'm moving to, I wouldn't be able to afford one period.

I needed a validation a friend, who isn't going to leave me, I just want something grounded anything really.

I don't know what it is exactly. I admit I don't know what I want how to describe it, but my heart needs this. Like I've been not dating for 4 years now. It helped and hurt me a lot. What I need is not a relationship more a true connection. This person I was connected with and I knew it was temporary. It just sucks, it can't be that easy ever.

It's always me being second to last to my needs always has been from my parents, teachers, friends, everybody. I was always the one who never had a say of my own feelings. That my feelings don't matter that regardless if I cared or not what they felt or did about it and I said something, they only cared to tell me to shut up about it or just ignore me.

Always feeling like I'm the cancer of the group no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into myself or my relationships with everyone. I'm the one who loses.

I haven't had it any other way.

A relationship would be a disaster, then someone has to put up with all of this. I know any of you could admit, after awhile you'd be tired of me being distant on what's wrong or being misplaced on my feelings or feeling frustrated and so you be frustrated I'm not telling you. I do when I do say something it goes wrong and I end up being the one who screwed it up, because my feelings **** me over. I hate them everyone's hate it before.

I have to live with it.

I get high to suppress it it works.

I needed something more permanent, but it ain't happening from me. I've been working on it all my life the progress I made is ok, but not even close to being healed. It will always be like this.

I will one day be normal the next day not here and now panicking from ptsd or being an asshole when I don't mean it because I'm reliving painful experiences.