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I often even think it'd be easier and better to off myself than to hurt him.
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If you off yourself he will most definitely be hurt.
You have mentioned several intertwining themes, including: suicidal ideation, doubting the relationship, willingness to stay so as not not hurt him, sexual incompatibility, attraction to another, fear of being alone, unhappiness that goes beyond the relationship, self dislike/self-hate. I wonder if you can discuss or have discussed what you posted here with a therapist.