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Originally Posted by princecharming
I have an exceptional relationship with my wife. We enjoy each other’s company, she is very supportive and loyal. She admires me and we spend all of our time together.
We were both previously married. She has two adult children and I have 3.
She has stated that she wanted a husband without children. Her relationship with her own children is strained. They are not close.
When we met, she was very kind to my children. She bought them gifts and was extremely friendly.
Once we were married, all of that changed.
She became rude to my kids. She didn’t attend my daughter’s wedding or my son’s graduation.
My other daughter flew in from out of state. My wife wouldn’t even say hello. We went out to dinner, my wife went to sit at another table. We went on vacation, she wouldn’t hike with my kids, and she avoided sitting with them on the beach.
Anytime my kids call in the evening, she gets upset.
I developed a habit of not Facetiming or calling or texting my children when we are together in the evenings.
To my credit, I have kept in touch with my kids. We go out to dinner, we meet up on birthdays and holidays. If I were to count our texts and phone calls, it amounts to probably 30 per month.
My wife explains that my contact with my kids is abnormal and excessive. As time has passed, she has simply become more and more critical of my kids. It’s to the point that she just doesn’t like them or want to spend any time with them.
Many of my wife’s grevances are valid. My kids are not perfect; they have been through their mistakes. My oldest has a history of smoking marijuana, my son has had repeated problems with driving under the influence. My out-of-state daughter left her husband for another man. Still, I want to disapprove of their behavior while not totally ruining my relationships with my kids.
This whole dynamic came to a crescendo this week. My daughter from out of state simply decided that she doesn’t want to Facetime, text, call or talk anymore.
She explains that my wife sees her as “the other woman” My daughter maintains that our relationship requires too much energy, and that it really was pretty easy before I met my wife. My daughter explains that my wife has forced me to choose between my spouse and my kids, and I there is certainly truth in that statement.
I believe that my daughter is seening a mistake and trying to protect me from my own historic bad judgement with women.
If any of these people loved me, they would not be trying to blackmail me. I have sacrificed all of my money, my time and my energy for them and they are all trying to manipulate me.
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You do not need to choose between your wife or kids. You just have to stand up for them to her. Thing is she can dislike them or not but she has no right to stop you or judge you for how much you talk to them. In a nutshell her opinions on this may be valid but her expectation that you change your behavior with them is not.
Your daughter probably expects you to stand up for her and the other children and just tell your wife to hush about it and stay out of it. That does not mean that you disrespect her but that you make a stand for what you feel is right. This is something that is very important in your relationship anyway, she is crossing boundaries already. you say she admires you, etc... I question your depiction of her because of this whole fiasco. A woman that respects and admires you shows this by her respecting your values and knows where to draw the line.
That your wife says your daughter is like the "other woman" speaks clearly to her insecurities and these insecurities are hers and hers alone, not based on your relationship with your daughter. speaking to your child regularly whether texting, facetime or in person is perfectly normal and that she does not understand this shows the issue lies with her, not you. YOU should not be modifying your behavior for her, thereby enabling more of her dysfunctional behavior. Just look at how she doesn't have a relationship with her kids, that speaks volumes as to her dysfunction. Don't choose between, choose what is right and that is to give your kids the attention and respect they deserve and hope for from their father, in spite of your wife. She needs to get into counseling to find out why kids seem to rub her the wrong way just because they are someone's offspring. Crazy thing is that's the only thing that differentiates them from you or your wife is that they are your offspring. other than that they are just other adult people. furthermore we all are offspring of someone!
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If any of these people loved me, they would not be trying to blackmail me. I have sacrificed all of my money, my time and my energy for them and they are all trying to manipulate me
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This part, in particular, bothers me. if
any of these people loved you.. Umm, I see no blackmail happening from anyone but your wife. your daughter is NOT blackmailing you but choosing to tell you that it's too difficult to talk to you. If you were talking to your child and in every conversation there was some kind of complication that made it difficult to talk to her wouldn't you probably choose to sstop talking or at least talk to her less? I see part of it as being a way of protecting herself as it seems to me your daughter feels attacked and under scrutiny everytime she interacts with you.
Please just put the blame where it belongs and that is first, on your wife, and then you for allowing it and enabling her to continue to manipulate your relationship with your kids.