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I feel like I've slept with Dracula and not been bit. My hair is standing on end, I'm nauseous and hear the ocean in my ears. keep waking up at 4am... unable to go back to sleep.
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By the way, I really relate to these feelings too, I have has similar on my journey in response to relationship with an N. Isnt wierd! how powerful this can be
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believe I immediately discount my feelings as superficial, cruel or unduly harsh. I feel...here it comes... that I'm being as harsh and superficial as my NPD Father was. I bend over backwards to make excuses
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Yup! For me, I think, a lot of my disorder is because I have been deeply in reaction, trying to counteract the behaviuor of my mother, , which at some level I believe got stuck inside me. like being in deep psychic revulsion, seeking an antidote, often going for a pathological antidote.
there is a post on ....I think p.2 of this forum where further down mandyfins talks about this issue, and so did I. (I find it strenthening to connect with others paralel experiences, so I hope you will too)
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I didn't think I gave these clues away up front, but I'll watch more closely what info I volunteer next time.
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but the issue may be just as much about who you're attracted to, not so much about what clues you give?? ..
as you say later: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I need a strong character, someone with a sense of right and wrong, creative (artisitcally or skills-wise) and a sense of humor. "Smart, but not evil."
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Would that be like Samvak says the 'frame of reference'? He describes the relationship with the N becomes the frame of reference. My experience of this - and I think I have a roaring disorder when it get triggered- I get what I call 'the nueral loop', like my head runs everthing past my s.o. mentally seeking approval like he/ she arrived uninvited on my mental screen directing opperations. Its a horrible state of affares when that happens, my life is not my own.
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held fast to ME. Didn't completely lose my 'self' in this... which is what allowed me to peel the layers of the onion and constantly ask for confirmation on what he was wanting from me.
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Yes, that sounds like the first stages of healing, i've done that, like returning again and this time really watching..........like 'what the hell IS this?!
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Ever since I was a smal child (2-3) I have had a problem seperating fiction from reality. I "went off to see the world" at 2, walked over a mile away from home, and returned to a major spanking. Heck, the lil bunnies did that in the stories I was read... at 3 I was attacked by guard dogs because I "imagined the BEWARE OF DOG sign read PLAY WITH US". My parents left me alone most of the time. My older brothers (7& 10 yrs older than me) used me as a punching bag both emotionally and physically. I learned more about life from my cat than my parents.
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((((((((((((anne))))))))))))))
this.......neglect and..........the fantasy...........and being the one to take up the unwanted or left over roles in a family.......... these are very common in the origins of those with the schiz tendencies. (self in exile = new name)
Re more clues/ info etc,:
Well, the study group is IRL, at my place, just me and one other who ids. We are basically hoping others will one day join us by whatever IT means. Its very new and we're feeling our way forward.
We are reading the literature by Ralph Klien, in 'The Disorders of the Self - New Therapuetic Horizons'. (but his style is terribly clinical, almost dehumanising in places IMP, but then he's a pdoc) We also both have a recovery background (the fellowships) Common understanding builds.
well, this is a long post, I hope you come back and find it and that its some help.
