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Old Apr 14, 2016, 02:11 PM
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KristenRenee KristenRenee is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Lancaster ca
Posts: 146
Quote:
Originally Posted by baseline View Post
I don't know where to put this so I apologize in advance. I am angry, so angry it is painful. I should be telling this to my T but I just can't put it into cohesive thoughts. I get so angry because of the memories becoming apparent and the rage I feel for being unloved and insignificant are forcing me to act out in unhealthy ways. I don't feel like I matter/ed .I let people use me, harm me, physically, mentally, and sexually because I feel I need to be punished and I crave being wanted/loved. When I was a child showing my emotions led to punishment. As an adult when my emotions are out of control I want to numb them. I have used booze, food, and pills which have help in the past but I am ashamed to say there is a new way I want to be numb/ punished. I let it happen and then after I feel so sad and disgusting that I would degrade myself for some attention or control. I know in my heart I am loved but my head won't allow me to accept or believe it. I feel empty and scared most of the time and this shames me also. I don't know why I am writing this. Does anyone understand this? Can any one relate? How do I stop the thoughts. I have no problem being loving or affectionate, but I don't get it in return unless I am useful.
Hi there. I can totally feel your pain and emotions. I have the same ones and use the same things to numb them. The shame, guilt and remorse eat me alive. I know there is help for us, but sometimes we feel so down and weak it hurts to even think of the energy it will take to try something new. Good luck to you.
Hugs from:
baseline, Lost_in_the_woods
Thanks for this!
baseline