I live alone, I have been alone most of my life.I am 52 years old now.

Aged 7 I had no friends,I had no friends aged 8 and 9,later I had one or two kids hanged out with me but only to steal my pocket money.I made a couple of friends at secondary school,well I sat next to them in certain lessons,but most of time I was alone and lonely.

My parents were strict, no talking to boys,no going out after school,no discos,no social life,don't get emotionally involved with strangers etc I had a sister who hated me the minute I was born,she later abused me as an adult and tried to kill me for the contents of my will.I have nothing to do with her for a year and a half.

Due to being isolated as a child I developed social anxiety.I used to have good social skills though because although I never had a lot of friends when very young,I did eventually learn to socialize.I worked in a shop and got very friendly and chatty with the people I worked with and the customers,also I am from a different culture and did know some people in the community whom I spoke to and interacted with.

Now I am grown up I have one friend whom I see once a week.But I need more friends and still have social anxiety.I'd like a boyfriend and wonder if at my age if it is too late.Any man would see me as a bit weird not to have had a relationship before in my whole life.I had a lot of mental and physical illness and was never ready or well enough for all that a relationship entailed.Also the men in my community as I grew up were angry,violent and controlling so I have always feared men and seemed to attract those types.I knew that was bad,so stayed away.

I don't know why but when I like someone I go all shy and afraid,and it is ridiculous to still be like that at my age.I am ok talking to men as friends but when things turn sexual and involved dealing with my sexuality and theirs I instinctively switch off.I was molested as a child and bullied and date raped in my twenties.Since then I pretended I didn't want a partner and didn't care.

But now I am alone in the world apart from my aged mother and my niece who is only 18 and off to university this year.I desperately want companionship and someone to share things with,someone who loves me and cares about me.I don't know where to look to find someone.I don't know how to overcome my intimacy fears and social anxieties.

Is it too late,should I resign myself to being alone forever?How do i then deal with the loneliness.I guess what I am saying is I am so lonely it hurts,how do I deal with the hurt?I am overwhelmed with negative emotions about all this I can't deal with and a lot of fear whether I decide to find someone or stay alone.