i have this problem ive had forever, and ive thought maybe it was anxiety because thats what it sounded like. but when i read things about anxiety its just nothing like what im feeling. its hard to describe and hard to understand. i just dont know what it is, what caused it or how to fix it. though it does seem to be mostly fear based and "avoidant"

the thing is i havent tried to do this thing this time (because i physically cant*) but i assume if i ever got the chance i would have the same problem as before. thing is there is no chance, i have been deluding myself for well over a year that one day it might happen and i'll be able to do it. but then worry about my fears. its totally pointless!

* the other situations like this, there was nothing stopping me apart from my own fears. i did always try to do it but i "chickened out" and didn't do it and then got angry with myself. this time i dont have the option to try. and to be honest i have no idea why im even thinking about it!