sorry so long .

i have not been in a very good place these days . things went on tuesday and it was not a good day at all . i go to my apt in a horrible state . in fact i have no idea how i managed to even get there . auto pilot i guess . they had so many people in the waiting room and lining the halls . i wished i was alone it was miserable sitting shoulder to shoulder.anyway my T knows i hate all this and brought me to her office the back way because people were sitting on the stairs we usually use . im sure she noticed my miserable blotchy tear stained ugly face and knew something was so off. then once again the chest pains started .so bad i couldnt breathe again . i had to leave and go to the bathroom to take a nitro. i was to humiliated to take one in front of her. i didnt want her to know i was in pain . i didnt want to deal with the questions and focus on something i knew would go away soon with the meds . i had been having chest pains all day do to anxiety. she asked me if i wanted her to go with me to the rest room . i thought this really strange .i immediately said noand headed to the bathroom . when i returned she was standing outside her office door waiting. it seemed like she might have been worried . i was a basket case and that did not help.it scared me more that she couldnt handle me any more either . she asked me if i was going to share with her what happened and i became a sobbing snotty nosed self indulgent spoiled brat . i just said no and sobbed horribly .she said now you are being obstinate. she was not mean about it but at that point i couldnt even remember what that word meant . it shocked me so i stopped sobbing long enough to ask her what that meant . it kind of made us both smile a bit . she said being stubborn and not trying to tell me why you are crying . i know it sounds harsh but it wasnt .for some reason she was very gentle in how she was talking to me even though i was acting like a horrible child . i felt so much like i was crashing so badly .my head was so full of horrible thoughts emotions and pain . i wanted to tell her but had no words . i am calmer now but omg i felt like if i even opened my mouth i was going to crumble .i told her that i felt like i was crashing . and instantly felt so humiliated for even saying that . like she wouldnt believe me and even if she did there was nothing she could do to help me . god i behaved like such an idiot i started sobbing again as my thoughts went completely out of control again . i dont think i was doing anything to keep them from overwhelming me . i was and am just so tired . i just wanted everything in my head to stop and i told her that . i didnt mean to but i think i yelled but that was only because so much was in my head .i told her that i want my head to stop and that it wouldnt and she couldnt help with that . she was so calm about it all and i think that even bothered me .she said that she could if i could tell her what was going on in my head . i couldnt .i still hate myself for that . i didnt have any words at all . i did try to tell her .how i was feeling about my family and how im so alone and everything .but when said out loud it only sounded like the ramblings of a weak spoiled self absorbed spoiled brat who is feeling extremely sorry for myself . i was behaving so pathetic. but she didnt seem to care .she reminded me we only have a half hour to talk . i tried to tell her about how much i am hurting about my family and how horrible i am and how im failing as a parent and how overwhelmed i am and how my thoughts wouldnt stop. i know what i was able to get out but i really cant remember much of her responses . probably because i was in the all about me mode .i wish i hadnt done that because i know she seemed to really care and might have said some important things . i know she said i was not horrible, she said something about my family and letting them go .how i said i was so alone already and letting go of my family would leave me even more alone and how painful it is and how much it hurts to not be wanted by them. i said i have no one in my life anymore to talk to .she said that i have her .that also stopped me in my self absorbed tracks. i just looked at her still tearing and said that is different . i dont remember her response to that .the idea that she is there for me is terrifying . i could never allow myself to feel that . i dont want to . i will never feel like i am anything but a job to her and im ok with that .i will never fall into that trap.it could be hugely harmful for me to think anything else . i would never depend on her or be that close to her .in fact it freaks me that she even said that. it truly is a lie and makes me doubt her . but at the same time it seemed so genuine . like i was talking to a different T. i want to remember all she said . i know at one point she handed me something to read about stop killing myself and hurting myself and stuff like that . she asked me to do her a favor and to just leave all this pain with her in the office when i leave and to let her hold it . i just told her that i have absolutely no idea how to do something like that . i dont remember her response of course. it seemed like such a caring thing though . she has never said anything like this before.i believe she wanted me to do this but i dont know how. i read a lot about people doing this a lot here . i would love to hear how people leave there pain in the T's office . towards the end she had me do some breathing to calm me some .that did help some . at least i was not sobbing anymore. right now i am just feeling numb and humiliated about how horribly i behaved . the situation that triggered this massive melt down has resolved itself but im still in so much emotional pain.