It's embarrassing to me every time my uni therapist tries to bring up my coursework and I just shut down and sit there like an idiot. Having to admit that I can't approach my assignments without abusing myself, and that it has a lot to do with this one really vivid memory (not that there aren't others as well) of something that happened to me when I was ten: my dad was "helping" me with my maths homework and using language that was way too complex for me to understand at that age, so I sat there for two hours, mostly sobbing while my dad shouted at me about how stupid I was being and that I wasn't listening, then grabbed my shoulders and began physically shaking me. At its worst he was threatening to throw me out of the house (it was 10pm) and not let me back inside until I had run around the barn five times because MAYBE THAT WOULD CLEAR MY HEAD AND I WOULD BE ABLE TO GET WHAT HE WAS SAYING. Solid logic from a sane and rational person, there. It's embarrassing that something as stupid as that still makes me feel incompetent 17 years later, and it's embarrassing that I can no longer use my self-abuse as a motivator to get things done because it has gotten so destructive, because now I have to admit to the fact that I have nothing, and I feel like an idiot.

It was also really embarrassing to bring up the "I love you" incident, and admit that that was the reason for the breakdown I had over Christmas. Like how much more pathetic can a person get.

With my private therapist, I guess the one of the most embarrassing things was having to bring up my feelings for my uni therapist (maternal) for the first time because it was driving me mad. I felt really ashamed about it. I mean, I still do, but it gets easier to talk about it. There was also that time I tried to talk to her about how hideous I feel, how I hate my appearance, because every time I bring that up, to anyone, I worry that they will think I am fishing for compliments or something, or that I want them to contradict it, when that is the last thing I want. So I can't talk about that, because there is nothing more embarrassing than having people do the whole "nooo, you're beautiful" thing. Urgh. Worst ever. I'm just trying to accept that I'm not attractive, okay? Please don't tell me any lies. It makes me want to sink through the floor.