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Old Apr 15, 2016, 04:44 PM
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ScarletPimpernel ScarletPimpernel is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 9,030
I feel like dying. And yet even saying that is a problem.

I saw my Pdoc today. I pretty much bawled my eyes out the whole appt. She wants me to want to quit therapy (yes, I typed that out right). She thinks that when that day comes, I will be basically healed from my BPD. She thinks therapy is actually halting my progress.

Last time I saw my Pdoc, I was talking to her about how I had ran out of things to say in therapy. And we talked about the possibility of reducing or terminating therapy. But things changed since our last appt. My T and I have found things to talk about and have even set new goals. We have also added the DBT workbook as a filler in case we run out of things to talk about again.

So I went to my Pdoc appt today. I told her that I have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts lately. She thinks, "in her clinical opinion" that the depression is an emotional reaction to the possibility of reduction/termination of therapy and the fear of getting better... I heard instead "You are faking your depression because you don't want to get better and lose your T ". So now I feel like ****.

Possible trigger:


Oh, and conveniently, we talked about it again how if I cut or if my suicidal thoughts become active that she will have to transfer me to county again...for legal reasons. Because her clinic isn't equipped to deal with that level of care. But in reality, her clinic has more resources than the county...

So she wants me to want to quit therapy. I feel like I'll be a fish flailing in a puddle of water. No support. Oh, but yet it's okay if I wind seeing her (my Pdoc) for years so long as I don't depend on it.

I know some of you are going to agree with my Pdoc. That's fine. Please, please be gentle. I'm really hurting from this and am not in a good place. And if you're going to agree explain why...why is okay for everyone else to be in long-term therapeutic relationships, some with very questionable boundaries, and a few with unrealistic expectations, but my relationship with my T is unhealthy for me.

Otherwise, I really need some support right now.
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