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Old Apr 15, 2016, 05:46 PM
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Member Since: Feb 2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RxQueen875 View Post
Assuming you're implying to when my illness first showed symptoms. Before I was DX BP, they said I had MDD. But I was showing symptoms at ten when I started self harming. I'm now wondering if I self harmed out of mania and the anger that comes with it? Who knows. But I didn't have my first known manic episode until about age 17, after my MDD DX. If I had it sooner then I didn't know enough to be able to tell and probably shrugged it off and being hyper with insomnia.

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I'd think self-harming could've been that or just a general confusion about strong emotions, expressed as anger and self-harming.

It's a time you start to find "useful", more stable expressions, forming a personality, I believe. My (self-)damaging behaviour started when I was just a few years younger. Depression started when I was about 10 and at 12 it became severe.

But it might've been different for you.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
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