Hi. Um ok. I am 20 and female. I’m 5’9” and about 145. I lost my virginity about a month and a half ago under odd circumstances. I went to a party at my friend's house at college who was about 24. He had asked me to come and spend more time with him. So I had a beer and then two glasses of sangria. I felt that he was like a brother to me bc we had known each other for 3 years and he always so nice and supportive. He was always interested in my life and how I was doing.
So I had 3 drinks and then I think I had another beer. He kept asking me if I wanted more drinks and I kept saying no. Then I finally said yes and had another beer and started playing beer pong. I didn't drink the beer in the cups during the game, because I didn't want to get too drunk. As I was playing I felt more and more drunk then he started kissing me and touching me, which I didn't mind because I was feeling pretty aroused to be honest. Then he took the beer I was drinking, put it down and led me upstairs to he room. (I think it was my 4th drink but I don't remember)
In the room he started to kiss me and then started to touch me. I was kissing him back. Then he started to take my clothes off. I didn't stop him. Then he put me on the bed and took his shirt off. I remember being a little alarmed bc I didn't know what he was going to do. I was overwhelmed. I was flattered that he wanted me, but I was scared too. Then he said I'm going to get a condom. I don't know why I didn't say "no". I just laid there. Then he came back. The lights were off and all I could see were shadows. I put my hand over my crotch and said, "I'm a virgin you know." (As I was laying there the world was spinning, that happens to me when I'm drunk) and he said "Well we all have to do it sometime" he moved my hand and put his penis in me.
At first I was too shocked to say anything, I was too shocked to scream. Then I gave up bc the pain was too much. I think I screamed (I might have just been whimpering) I remember thinking that it hurt so much. I don't remember if I screamed. I wanted it to be over. I didn't like it. And I just put my hand over my eyes and just tried not to think about it. He was holding my hands over my head. I was scared by the sounds he was making. Then when he was done, he let go of my hands and said "he'd been waiting for that since freshman year" He got up to pee I think.
While he was gone, I just covered my face and started to shake and cry. I put my hand down there to see if I was bleeding, but it was too dark to see. When he came back I was shaking. He climbed back into bed and asked me if I was cold. I said yes. I couldn't stop shaking. I felt so cold. I was shivering so much. I didn't know what to do so I said either I want to put my clothes on because I was freezing or we'd have to do it again. I don’t know why I said that. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. We did it again.
After he was done. He turned on the light and said that I should probably get dressed. I got up and felt dizzy and scared. I was trying not to cry. Everything seemed different. I couldn't focus. I couldn't even find my clothes and he had to tell me where they were. I was so ashamed that he was watching me get dressed. After I was dressed. I told him I wanted to go home. So we went back down to the party and got my purse. He walked me to the edge of campus, and asked me if I wanted him to walk me home. I said no. I just felt numb. I knew I was drunk and shouldn't be walking home alone, but I just didn't want to be on campus anymore or around him. I just felt numb. I didn't feel anything. The next day I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was distracted and I just felt numb. I still don't know what to feel about it. Do you think I was raped?