I didn't write to get criticism or suggestions or advice. I made that clear from the beginning. If negativity annoys you, don't read and don't reply. I don't need additional criticism right now. I'm self-criticizing myself all the time that I wish at this moment that I just die, or to get cancer and have a certain path to death. I'm beyond self-correcting right now. I'm in the self-sabotaging state. I'm losing all the interests I once had; I work out no more, I read no more, and I eat healthy no more. I'm completely hopeless and drained from energy, that no one would like to be around me. I'm in the direction of losing everything; my job, my health, ... everything. How I see it is that I will end up homeless if I survived. Don't tell me see a therapist or a pdoc because I won't.