Back in the day. When I od'd regularly. I had a dr in A&E tell me to 'do it' properly next time. You can imagine how I felt.

The pain of hearing that still resides within me. BUT I think maybe as my suicidle behavior was partly an attempt to feel cared for, I'm not sure if my fantasy, and it was fantasy of hospitals being the place where people care would have ended up killing me.

When I was 5 ams in hospital having my tonsils out, I remember pretending being asleep and sticking my arm out or the bed wanting a nurse to touch me ( my neglect caused my desire to be touched/cared for feel unbearable so had to be stolen) She would gently put my arm back.
That was the beginnig of my quest with hospitals.

Now, after 12yrs of therapy. I'm aware what I needed want ever going to be found by drs, nurses A&E visits. What a cold existence that time was. The drs dissimissive attitude was the first crack in the fantasys in my head. Took a few more visits before the pain within me for so bad that facing the underlying issues was all I could do.