Hello wandering soul again
From what you write in here you definitely seem to have social anxiety. Going out and feeling even more sad about all the laughter and good weather and stuff- I know this so well.
I think someone has made the suggestion to agree more on persons- I wouldn't do that. Back then earlier, I was a person that would always say her oppinion, but due to social anxiety, I felt that me saying my opinion so much may be socially inappropriate- so I changed my habit. And you know what happened? People loath me even more than before, but what's worse, I loath myself for having betrayed myself.
Is it that you don't want to see a doc due to anxiety or do you lack hope it'll be useful?
I'm afraid to do phone calls so I couldn't even get an appointment.
As far as I understood, you do seem to have problems initiating conversations- that would be a sign of social anxiety (which I have as well).
Another thing would be are you afraid of intimacy in relatiobships as well? Which would be the case if your anxiety would increase the more close you get to a person, e. g. at the first meetup, you had no problem talking to that person, but the second and third conversation made you even more anxious then before....
That could be a sign you have a Personality Disorder.
And I know non-professional diagnosing can be tricky... but I think we're all human beings capable of using our minds properly- and it can be a great relief to find out there is a "name" for what one is experiencing...
And, the last thing, I think it's perfectly fine to vent. You don't always have to give a "reason" to talk about what's bothering you- sometimes one just feels the desire to share one's thoughts and know that they a heard. At least that's my oppinion.