I cycle frequently, I'm getting better at working with it. i can tell when I'm ramping up over the course of a few days. i take a prn once (or two or three times) and tell someone. That helps shorten the pending blurred reality, and I get asked if I'm taking meds (I can tell 3-4 days in advance I'm going to do the "I'm not taking them anymore" thing, or that I'll get paranoid about them. The last time, I missed a couple doses because "my bottles had been switched out". The euphoria prior to that though is amazing, the last time I had it a month or so ago felt like a peak life moment. Only lasted about a day. I totally predicted "in three or four days I'm going to wake up really slowed down, flat affect, and want/need to stay in bed all day". I was right. A friend had a bday party I had really been excited about earlier in the week. I went but sat there almost motionless and barely talked. But I went! Stayed on meds, and was a little brighter each of the next few days. Then I went back into low-grade hypo, which is where I've mostly been for a couple weeks, with the occasional "I need to stay in bed all day I feel like there's a glass wall between me and the world". But I don't anymore. I force myself to go to work, even if I ask to leave a few hours early. The continued structure of work Monday thru Friday is really really helping me. I'm sorry you've had SI during the depressed times. I had a lot of that last winter when was stuck in depression for a couple months. i think I'm very seasonal. I don't think I'll have depression for more than a couple days at a time now until september or so. Then the depression risk goes way up. last year really scared me with the SI. Plus I was not working because I couldn't function well enough too. Are you taking meds? Are you exercising? Are you eating well, even if have to force self? Are you going to bed at same time/getting up at same time everyday? These things, I think, are just as important as meds. But you can learn to manage it. Identify your patterns and plan ahead. I'm nowhere near it yet, but am convinced I can master this. I don't know that the cycling is ever going to stop, and I get unclear answers from MD/therapist. But we talk more about managing it and functioning thru it. That is the goal.