im posting here because i dont know where else to post...
i usually post on the depression forum but i feel like it doesn't belong there...
i have been trying not to post at all...

well, apparently i have messed up...
im so stubborn... i think i am an atomic man sometimes.. and nothing can break me... but apparently i can break myself...
my obsessiveness probably has gotten the best of me this time... and im not really sure what to do as i have never felt this before and i can't turn to anyone in my life because this is something i dont want anyone to know...
i try very hard all the time to hold my composure, some how i wear a smile and can muster up enough words to look normal (normal for me) to talk enough so that people wont ask me if i am ok...
because i dont want anyone to know what happens inside me... they know i am forgetful and have a hard time remembering things.. but it has become more than that...
im so stupid...

i don't really know what to say...
i have eagerly been researching lots of things and reading things i shouldn't... i dunno, im an idiot...
i thought "prepare" so i read... and read...
but i have pushed too many buttons i think...
the way i am feeling is not any way i have ever felt before... but then again i dont know how i used to feel...
i cant put this into words...
its just that what ever i did... has made a lot of things happen...
i am constantly having flashbacks... of alot of various things... its not like the flashbacks im used to... i am actually there...
i cant function like this... its as good as being sleep walking... worse even because atleast there is structure to dreams...
today has been really hard... i have been trying to stay away from everything related to ... anything that could make me think about anything...
these forums included... i wasn't going to post anymore about this stuff...
but i feel like i have to because i am worried... i guess you would call it worried... its not... its more like "wtf"...
earlier while my brother was visiting i was trying to hang around and talk with him and dad and sister and blabla... and they started talking about birthdays... and some how it got around to my sisters baby and what year she was born and i was trying to think and i became so disorientated... i mean i have been feeling like this for past day or so but today has been bad... i had some weird kind of flashback where i felt like i was at a few different places at one time... and i thought it was 2012 and trying to ignore the feelings inside of me i quickly said "she was born in 2013?" and everyone looked at me and they said its 2016 now and i just... i usually dont say anything when i get confused.. but i became scared...
i just chuckled a little and said something like oh right dunno what i was thinking...
i have always been able to moderate i guess but i think my obsessiveness has caused a momentary break of control... or something... and i just dont know... im nervous that my brain is shutting down or something is going to happen to me and they are going to send me to the hospital and i don't want to go to the hospital... or im going to pop out of my body and never be able to come back...
im just profoundly confused... and i feel so unstable...
i dont know how to explain...

i was just wondering what i should do... how can i slow down or stop the flashbacks so i can just wait till i can talk to a therapist...
the only thing i know to do is get drunk... drink drink drink is what my mind says... because in that state, it doesnt matter...
im scared of myself... im questioning too much... doubting too much... lost... i just wanna go back to being depressed where i cant think or feel anything or feel so much pain i cant think... anything until i can talk to someone... but i have never felt like this before... i feel like i messed up... like i will never feel normal again... or what i used to call normal...
i feel like im not making any sense... but i have to try to ask someone because i need to be reasurred that i am going to be ok... im losing it...


blah... im gonna drink some wine and try to hope that helps...
i haven't been self medicating for a long time... i think 2 years since i started to cut things down and try to be more conservative with the amount of things i do... and this past year i have pretty much quit everything...
it was so much easier when i was high all the time...

what is wrong with me, why would i push myself like this, im such an idiot...

sorry, im not trying to alarm anyone... i will be fine... im not in danger i dont think.. i just feel like im not myself.. i dunno who i am really.. i keep trying to think about it but when i do i just disapear in my mind and i dont wanna go there... i wanna forget for a little while longer... but it feels like it wont stop, what have i done to myself...
i should of known... dumb dumb dumb...

this song says it a little...


sorry about rambling... just tell me i am ok so i will think that someone is real and that maybe it will be ok...
i have been trying to write in a new journal... so i wont write too much here...

i feel so stupid for writing this... i delete and re-write and delete and re-write... i am just feeling strange... uncertain... ambivalent... perplexed... confused... why do i do these things to myself

well, thanks for reading... throw me a rope if you can... or a bone..
i try not to write too much and end up saying 1 thing in a million words... sorry
im not feeling very articulate... i hope im not dieing... there really is things i want to do yet...