i would try to fight off attacks of my father... even though i couldn't do anything...
i would find myself just yelling and screaming as lound and much as i could...
but often i would get caught in the way and be knocked down or have a couch thrown on me...
he would get angry jealous...
there was alot of drugs and alcohol...
mom never did anything to provoke it... just the substances made him paranoid...
ill have flash back of night i was sleeping with mom... but i woke up in the middle of the night because they were having sex... i dont think mom wanted it... but what could i do but pretend and try to fall asleep... i didnt know exactly what it was, but i knew... if that makes sense... i just remember the bouncing and it .... whatever...
this went on ... till they put us in foster care... i dont remember anything...
i just remember the day we was going back to dad because he proved to the courts that he sobered up and was able to provide a healthy living for us or whatever...
which he did, he is a good man now.... but it is in conflict with my inner selve....
my mother had become more abusive of substances after... and obviously they had sepperated when we were put in fotser care...
we were put in care around age 7...9... and didnt come back home till 11...12... i really cant remember...
after i came back i had a really hard time... i was such a nice kid always but i did have a temper... but when we came back it turned into a rage.... i would become vengefully angry... at slightest ...
sorry... im going blank...
well... my brothers and i would fight viciously... fists.. choking... knives... i dunno why... i dunno if i caused it some how with psychoprojections... but they would fight them selves... then we would team each other... then 1 on 1... and it wasnt for fun... it would happen when we get hom frome school.. and by time dad got home we were sweaty bruised and not able to talk without frothing angrily at the mouths...
i thought that was the worse of it...
the very last fight i had... i remember vividly... my brother was choking me so i had an idea... use psychology... i pretended like i fainted... and i went limp and he couldnt support my weight so i fell and hit the bed at an angle and made a cracking noise with my mouth... simulate an exagerated broken neck.. i laid there in a weird position with my neck on the edge of the bed and my rest body on the ground... he started crying and yelling for dad and dad came super angry... but i got up and told them i dont wanna fight anymore... and thats all i remember... but it happened again after that with the other brother... and i was going to throw him down the stairs but i didnt weigh enough to get momentum on his body... dad came and stopped us before we killed each other... and i think that is it... after that i withdrew... i went into my head... and no one knew because i would just do what the moment called for to keep things at peace... i started abusing alcohol and drugs.... but before that...

i have never said these things before....

3 of my cousins sexually assualted.. abused me...
1 female and 2 males... not at the same time... but over the years... and everytime is... repeated... as my fault... i can not believe this..... none of them know that the other did it... the 1 cousin did it maybe 2 times... it wasnt very bad.... but i didnt like it.... the female cousin did it 1 time... she just wanted some guys ****.. but a kid cant do that ****.... and the other cousin... was repeatedly doing things... but it was psycho... psycho... what do you call it when they mess with your head... he made me think it was ok to drink pee for a minute... we are same age... he would make me doo things... and he would do things to me... and i dunno why i did that... i hate it so much because it flashes in front of me every tday... but he is gay now and trying to marry a guy, good for hm... but i am broken.... and i cant trust anyone.... i dont want anyone to touch me... im going to shut up...

my psychotic step brother tried to kill me and my other brothers, mother and family...
he seemed to hate me since i was born though... he hated my older brother too because we are full blood i guess...
my younger brothers were abused as well but i think the older ones took more of it..
i nearly died a few times... and i have flash backs of sinking deeper in the water without air... this is one that i remember... it is vivid.... and i can taste the water... i became calm and thought it was the end... but he dove in and pulled me out for some reason... i guess because it was better for him to watch me suffer....

i cant remember.... i remember bad things... i dunno much else... i feel so dirty... i am ashamed of myself.... i dunno what to do anymore... no one knows ... everyone has forgotten.... everyone has moved on to a certain degree... i mean my brothers will probably kill my psychotic brother if they see him again, as would i, but he is in prison until october... he has been for the past ... 5 or so years i guess... he has been in prison his whole life and doesnt know what it means to live on the outside... he needs to be put away with i dont feel safe as long as he is alive and if i kill him they will put me in prison... they dont understand.... they never understood... they wouldnt even take him away some times because they said he didnt break any laws.... how can someone torture you and get away with it in usa...
grrr.....

im sorry... i dunno why im writing this... i just need to tell someone... i cant live like this... i dont wanna feel these things anymore....

my brothers all have wifes... they have children.... they have lives....
i dont have anything but my inner torture... but no one sees it...
no one knows....
that i feel... like its over....

whatever... besides all of that stupid ))))))) i almost killed myself a few times... on accident...
i have a huge scar on my abdomen from falling out of a pine tree... i try to tell mom what i remember from it but she has no clue, i think she blocked it out because what i remember was gory... i remember slipping... and trying to grab the tree... i was atleast 40ft... but when i wrapped my arms around the tree i remember feeling a pinch... something stabbed me in the right side and i blacked out... i have a 5 inch scar there now... but i remember waking up on the kitchen table and looking down at myself and saw my shorts were covered in blood... but mom says she does not remember this... maybe i didnt... but i have the scar.. what the **** did it come from...

i have lived enough drama for thousands of people... and i just dont know how to process any of it...