I do constantly keep pushing myself against depression and sometimes pretend that nothing is wrong. I act normal, I smile in front of people and cry behind closed doors.

Sleezkys I really liked the way you described it, I feel exactly that way "solitude is not darkness, but rather it is the one place there is the potential for light; & choosing to keep the outside world at bay is not dysfunctional. It is a logical response to an insane world."

But yes you are right that it's easier to embrace solitude and find warmth in it being old, I expect people don't bother much. But being in 20s naturally I face a lot of social pressure from everywhere to act along the norms everyone lives by, as I do indeed live among these people. Living in a forest alone would have been nice perhaps.

I know I will heal again maybe, but the pit of my depression is a black hole that will suck me back again and again churning me in its gut till the day I fear I may completely lose control of myself.