Thanks so much everyone for your support! It's hard because I have spent the past year in therapy trying to get over my fear of going to the ER for stitches, and this is only the second time I have gone willingly and admitted I needed it, so it had finally gone to that point. I cut very deep and my treatment team are always worried about sepsis or something before they can intervene, I also end up with horrible hypertrophic/raised huge itchy and painful scars from not getting stitches. Now I get asked directly every appointment about cuts (it's way harder to lie than just not tell them) so they can make me get medical care, and one of the reasons why I'm doing the PHP is so they can make sure I get stitches if I cut because the hours I'm there will pretty much always be enough to give me time to get stitches if I need them.

But I've been doing my best to get any SH tended to myself, and this is the second time I have gone without my pdoc or T forcing me to go. The last time was in February. One of the main reasons is feeling like they're wasting their time on me or that they're judging me, and we've spent a lot of time working on those feelings.

This doctor did a whole ton of stitches on me last week and they were deep. My T and pdoc both read my ER notes to me to make me see how serious my SH problem is. The notes written by this guy talked about how deep/severe and dangerous my cutting is. So he knew that, and it kind of hurts that he just let me leave without medical care and also said something that pretty much anyone would consider to be highly triggering. According to policy, he shouldn't have let me leave the ER at all because I was labelled as monitored/psych by the triage nurse which means I can't leave without being evaluated by a pdoc.

The stupid thing is that I'm having a hard time not taking it in. I know that the cuts are my fault and that there are a lot of people waiting. I know I'm out of control and I've been on high self-destruct since I got fired. I keep going over him asking with disgust, "how did psychiatry deal with you?" And wondering what kind of answer he could possibly want.



right now I feel like there is nothing that will be strong enough to force me to get stitches again. I feel so stupid and worthless. It hurts. I want my job back. I want to just snap out of how I feel. I have trouble calling it an "illness," because it just seems like a bunch of dumb things I do.