My father was a medically non compliant bipolar case who also was an alcoholic and cocaine addict. He was very abusive to me throughout my growing up years, which I will get into maybe in other posts. I took care of him when he got terminal. I had no support. It was awful. He died at the age of 50.

He always blamed me for his problems. Told me that I wasn't supposed to be born, but I was born just before the whole Roe v Wade deal and if he had his way, I'd be a piece of flesh in a medical waste bin. Yes he actually has said this to me.

Yeah. Well when I was taking care of him he said "Well I guess I'm glad we had you after all because I have you to take care of me." UGH REALLY?

So yeah. I've had quite a few ****** relationships. I even had one where the guy nearly killed me. And of course I've dated a few addicts. Even though my father was one! SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF FOR THAT!

I do have a great fiance now. He treats me well, but for a while I walked on eggshells as if he was like my exes. There is absolutely NO evidence that he's anything like them, but I always feel like I'm going to be chewed out any minute. He knows about this and he always reassures me and said that it will take time for me not to feel this way. These feelings of impending doom are slowly dissipating, but they're still there.

I still do have that annoying ACOA habit of being extremely loyal to undeserving people. It takes me longer than the average person to kick someone to the curb for being toxic. And doing so causes me great guilt and anxiety!

I guess it's all work in progress stuff. But it's so annoying how these ACOA pitfalls still catch me!