Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99
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The stupid thing is that I'm having a hard time not taking it in. I know that the cuts are my fault and that there are a lot of people waiting. I know I'm out of control and I've been on high self-destruct since I got fired. I keep going over him asking with disgust, "how did psychiatry deal with you?" And wondering what kind of answer he could possibly want.
right now I feel like there is nothing that will be strong enough to force me to get stitches again. I feel so stupid and worthless. It hurts. I want my job back. I want to just snap out of how I feel. I have trouble calling it an "illness," because it just seems like a bunch of dumb things I do. |
I understand the self-doubt, I have that too about my depression. It isn't an illness, its just ME. THe thing that i am doing, and what you need to keep doing, is just keep talking to your T and pdoc about those feelings. I really hope one day you will look back on this time as a very sad and hurt Pink, but know it wasn't you just doing "dumb" things. People don't hurt themselves for fun. People hurt themselves because they are in pain. If that ER doctor doesn't understand it, too bad. He is a giant d-bag anyway!
Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99
My pastor is leaving at the beginnjng of June and I'm just shoving that out of my head because it feels like too much to deal with. I don't want to think about her not being here in this city, or there when I need her, even just for a hug. It hurts. I also feel bad that it hurts so much because she's getting older and she's tired. I know she needs to retire. When I look at her she even looks tired. I know lately she worries a lot about me and it makes her sad. She doesn't understand my SH at all, but it scares her. It's hard because I can't really use her for support lately, and I'm just really heartbroken she's leaving so soon. I feel very alone.
On top of that, I might be moved to the PHP at another hospital that's for people who are more seriously ill, and if I am, that means I can't see my normal therapist (bureaucracy) for 6 weeks. Which is stupid, to have a new therapist for 6 weeks. I will have to change in August anyway (bureaucracy again, because the current therapist I have works in a less intensive program but they fasttracked me and there were no individual therapists ready in that program until August), but that will be a permanent change and it will be with another therapist who specializes in SH, and someone my current therapist knows well and chose for me, so she'll help me with it. This just seems like a stressful and stupid change, because who wants to open up to someone they will only see for 6 weeks?
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I'm sorry your pastor is leaving
I know how much support she's been for you. I think it is probably a good idea to go to a hospital for more serious self-harm, because getting stitched for 3 hours, and all the other details you wrote is SERIOIUS. Extremely! Do you not think it is?
And that will be really crappy to have to deal with a different T for 6 weeks, but just try to think of it as a temporary stabilizing therapist, just to help you figure out how to lessen your urges and cutting. Are you allowed to contact your T at all while in there? No phone calls or anything? That will be hard, but just remember you can stlil go back and see your T after 6 weeks, even though you know you'll need to transfer again
But at least yoru T is helping you with that. Right now, you are in survival mode, and I'd just go with whatever your T/Pdoc are saying right now. You seem to trust them, and i think that is a good thing.
I know you are going to find it really hard to go to the ER again, and I 100% understand why. Maybe if you can be brave enough next time you need stitches, you can mention to the nurse or whomever that Dr X was REALLY rude to you about this, and is there anyone else who could do it? I don't know...or maybe call and complain? That shouldn't happen again, and you know he is being a supreme d!ck to other patients. Just remember that he doesn't understand, and that is not your fault.