I did it, but I'm wondering if it is worth it. I went to a volleyball game the other night. I haven't gone to one in around 6 years (had a referee make a move on me in a gym full of people and no one noticed; worked on a lot of the issues years ago pertaining to this, but I still miss feeling normal and I want to be able to go to school functions comfortably). Back to the point...I was scared stiff. I huddled in the corner close to an exit. I managed to clap for a few plays but mostly had my arms huddled around me. I was so scared and all I wanted to do was leave. I kept thinking, "it'll be over soon" and as soon as it was I bolted out of there, went straight to my room, closed the door, and tried to breath. The rest of the night I was pretty much a nervous wreck, crying, shaking. I tried watching movies to get my mind off things but then ended up taking a sleeping pill. The next morning was still hard. I had a hard time breathing and it was like my mind was preparing for something to trigger panic. It took all day for it to ease up some. I really want to be able to do this stuff, but sometimes it feels so hopeless. My current counselor feels that it would be okay for me to try this once more, but if I'm as paniced as last time we should try taking a more gradual approach. I decided that sounded like a good plan, and now the next game is tonight. Everytime I think about it I get chest pains and it gets hard to breath. I was having other problems earlier due to all the stress recently and I'm just really nervous. But I know that if I avoid trying this time and say I will next time it will just be worse.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this, maybe to express my fears in written format, maybe to get advice, maybe to hear that everything will be okay, I don't know.

I can't wait till tonight/this week is over.