sister It can hurt so much when we've experienced connection with our Ts and then we lose it for a while. You have had it before. I feel sure it will be back. You two have been apart for a while. You need a little time to rebuild. It's OK.

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sister said:
The relationshp has felt strained often recently

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Does he think so too? Do you talk about this? What is his take on the strain?

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Today, I told T that I thought he was really perceptive about how I think but sometimes missed the mark about how I feel. I think I hurt his feelings when I said that but it was a big moment for me in terms of saying what I was feeling.

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I think it's helpful when we give people criticism that we tell them ways then can give us what we need so they can take positive action instead of just sitting there feeling criticized. You know what I mean? Sometimes it seems easier to tell people what we don't want than what we do want. What do you want from your T, sister?

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My inner child was close to coming out to play, but now she's going back inside where it's safe.

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Did you tell him that also? It almost sounds like another way of criticizing him. What can he do to make it safe for your child to come out? That information will be helpful to him. Tell him.

Hang in there with your T, sister. I absolutely do not think it is true that you are not good at this. I think you're being really hard on yourself. Sometimes we aren't connected to our Ts. My T told me last time that Winnicott says a mother/therapist is "good enough" if he/she connects 1/3 of the time, another 1/3 of the time is disconnected but repairs it, and another 1/3 of the time is disconnected and doesn't repair (so child/client learns to self soothe). So maybe you are having a disconnect now. And maybe it will be repaired or maybe not, but you connect so often with your T, sister, that I think the times of disconnection are well within Winnicott's frame. I think your T is good enough! It's interesting, though, to think of that first 1/3. How often would you say you and your T connect? 1/3 of the time or higher? For me, it is higher. I wonder if being too high can be non-optimal? Anyway, when I looked at it through Winnicott's lens, I felt better about not always being connected to my T. It's not supposed to be 100%! That would be like symbiosis and no differentiation. The times of disconnect are healthy.